Hellooooo Fluckers!
An update: just after I told you last week that the episode from the week before would never be available in a normal fashion because it was irretrievable from the editing software… I posted the video normally for yas.
Yeah! I’m confused about it too.
More than ten days since contacting them, customer service told me “I’m sorry, our engineers couldn’t figure it out either, we’re so apologetic, we know this isn’t the result you were hoping for.”
I responded simply, because it wasn’t plainly said, “So you’re telling me there is just no way to get this video out of the software?”
And they replied “Oh, I just copied and exported it for you, check your account.”
… so, wait, what?
Why was the last message so somber and apologetic – reallllly letting me know they couldn’t help me? Were we having two different conversations for ten days? About what? Did you think I wanted to know WHY I couldn’t export it? I just wanted TO export it. Could you have just done this the whole ti-?
I-
I’m still thinking about this, several times a day, it’s been over a week. I can’t figure it out.
But I wanted to let you know that the episode export and upload got done for the Cages / Containers exercise. In case you were waiting for it to be convenient.
And also, speaking of convenience, check out the full course list that I posted on Saturday! Follow each one right to the course start. No bullshit.
I split up that big ole Environmental Illness string into smaller series, which helps, too.
It’s actually somewhat impressive, seeing what’s been put together from the show in about a year. The quizzes and workbooks and videos nicely organized. I guess I haven’t been completely wasting my life. Cool.
Alright, now onto this week…
What can we do as far as applying and exercising for the SSD vs. Anger Suppression episode?
Well, we covered quite a few things, so we’re going to give a few ideas. Let’s throw out one for anger. And then a few more suggestions for feeling your feelings and expressing them, unlike things we’ve said in the past. Here we go.
Find a good thing to do with your rage.
Like, today. Express some anger, hate, outrage, fury. Really. Go.
You know what I’ve been doing lately? Letting myself scream. I love doing it – it’s the way of my kin – but I haven’t let myself in a long time – it’s the way of my kin. You know what’s great about living in the middle of nowhere? I can find places to scream. At this point Marcus knows it’s not about him. And no one is hurt by it. And nothing is different. Except I do feel better. Especially if I yell about how, say, annoying my students are being this semester.
Holyfuckingshit it’s another group that won’t read.
But how about you, how do you let it out? Been meaning to get a punching bag? It’s a great time. Need motivation for a hard run? Here you go. Have some detailed cleaning that you just really need to grind into? You’ve got agitation for that. Have some sudden inclination to learn how to use a gun? Hit that firing range.
I don’t know. But I recommend, no matter what, that you find a way to MOVE and or RELEASE. Don’t let the hard feelings sit in your system. Don’t tell your nervous system that you’re trapped while you have a fight instinct. That’s going to cause bigger issues.
Find a way to let some of the energy out, to tell your body “we’re okay, we’re working on things, we’re channeling this into action.” It releases some of the charge that’s otherwise bouncing around in your guttural cavity.
Break a sweat. Lift a heavy thing. Rearrange furniture. Clean out the attic. Join up with a bunch of other frustrated people, chanting, peacefully, in the streets. Get in your car, drive to nowhere, and scream. Just don’t sit and stew and stare.
Now onto the emotional experiencing and expressing suggestions.
Assignment: Express yourself emotionally to a stranger on the internet.
Choose the TMFR Discord – go to the monthly episode channel – lay it down there. I’ll be watching. Or the new Discord that’s “not about trauma” – but everything is always about trauma.
OR send your thoughts directly to me. That’s fine, too. You think I can judge however you’re feeling? These dark thought episodes have been just the tip, my friends. Barely penetrating the surface. I can judge no one.
Say what you need to say. Challenge yourself to write two hundred words, or whatever is a lot for you, and really explore… expand upon… what you think you’re feeling... Into what you definitely know you are feeling, because the words, when allowed, come rushing up and fill pages.
Just find an outlet for the things you feel unallowed to express in your social reality, and let it out. There are eyes and ears available. Mine. Others.
And I think we need to express, not just talk about expressing.
Next point. How about some tips for getting into your feeling place that we haven’t covered before?
Spend time in your body by drawing out a safe place for you to feel.
These little coloring doodles I’ve been posting recently? They’re kindof magical microworlds that I envision, where it would actually be peaceful and safe enough to be there, contentedly, in a full-embodied experience.
Yeah, they’re cozy and whimsical and filled with shrooms and moss – they look sick to live in. BUT there’s also some sort of barrier around them. This is important.
Part of being uncomfortable being in my skinsuit, which is part of the reason why it gets all numb and sick, is because it doesn’t feel protected enough. Because it feels like my skin isn’t a thick enough tomb around my surprisingly soft insides.
But imagining living in a drop of water or a glass ornament or the knot of a tree feels like a little fortress where my skin isn’t the only separation from danger. Ya see?
If you’re uncomfortable outdoors – just restless in your skin and driven back indoors by it - you may relate to this. You may feel you need another container to be inside, to be safe inside of you.
Which is sometimes obtainable – a car, for instance, feels like a safe bubble to me. Ironically, since it’s one of the most dangerous places to be. But it’s also often unrealistic to be in a car, I can’t use that as my only feeling place. Know what I mean?
Bed is another similar safe-feeling zone. But we can’t be there all the time either.
So, create a mental space where it’s always possible to feel safe and feel feelings. Draw out a little world where you could safely, comfortably, whimsically, live.
Our upcoming conversation this week might help.
And final point…
Mess with this app to help give your feelings more visual representation.
It’s called JustTouchToo. I don’t know what the purpose of it was supposed to be, but I like it. It helps me to feel further, more deeply and exploratorily, for longer.
It’s just a black screen, you touch the screen, beautiful swirling colors appear, like vaporous flames. You hold more pressure or move your finger in one area longer, the colors become denser and more vivid. You release and they waft away on an unseen digital breeze.
It’s nonsense.
And it’s really useful for combining this activity with something like brainspotting, but for emotions in your body. Noticing a sensation in a place, digging into that small area mentally while you do it also on the screen, concentrating on the feeling, circling your finger tightly tightly, creating hotspots of color and movement… then releasing what’s there once you’ve received the information. You know?
Make your inner work outwardly represented. It makes it a lot easier, more fun, and prettier to do.
It’s a free app. JustTouchToo. Check it out.
And that’s it! Some tips for preventing somatic symptoms based on our last episode. That, of course, will have to be done over and over and over again. For the rest of your life. Because feelings are… kindof annoying. Like my students!
Just kidding. They’re great. Cut scream.
- Find a place for your anger, hate, rage – by moving. By distributing intensity somewhere outside of your body, so it doesn’t take itself out on your organs.
- Assignment: go express yourself on the Discord or at my DMs. I may not have a great response, but I’ll read it without judgement.
- Spend time in your body drawing or otherwise crafting a place where you COULD spend time in your body, safely, comfortably, magically
- Try out the JustTouchToo app and pretend the colors are relating to your inner sensations. Maybe we don’t know the right words for what we feel, but we can translate them into a visual.
Embody. Enjoy.
Hail yourself.
And I’ll talk to you soon.