I wanted to revisit an episode from last year “trauma brain and the good news paradox” as well as expand on a highly-related thing I spit out recently.
I said, post-trauma, it’s a good practice to attempt to “let things be easy” when our environments are being hard.
In the ways that we can.
Of course, speaking to the CPTSD typical experience… it can be that case that very little IS easy. A “tenuous sense of existence” is often noted. So is “utter fucking chaos.”
We can’t always change our difficult circumstances. And definitely can’t force change upon our difficult divergencies.
And therefore, it’s an insulting suggestion to “just allow things to be less awful.” I know it. Toxic positivity has no home here.
In no way would I ever suggest to anyone that they “just lighten up and have a good time.” When there are so many valid, reality-based, reasons why a person finds themselves down and dumping.
….
And also.
With trauma brains, it benefits us to remember that our minds have been so conditioned by difficulty; difficult circumstances and people, resulting emotions and thoughts…. That we can become programmed for default dis-ease.
So that even when things ARE okay, we can’t let ourselves experience relaxation or relief.
As discussed in Ironic Mental Control Processes episodes, attempting to relax can, itself, become a process of stress, as the mind monitors for signs of unease… finds them… and in that moment of realized “failure,” creates a state of strain that we don’t have a solution for by telling us we’re failing.
With CPTSD backgrounds, it’s helpful to remember that
In fact, when we notice that things *might be alright*, that we’re not overtly stressed or in immediate peril or required to take rapid action… the traumatized mind may take that as a surefire sign that we need to batten down the hatches.
When we’re NOT facing a potential disaster, we can predictively, emotionally, mentally, and physically, begin to prepare for challenges to re-emerge….
And ruin a fine time with pre-emptive worries, attitudes, and related behaviors that bring in undue storm clouds, when the forecast isn’t calling for rain that day.
Logically, in a way, our storm-battered brains can determine that it will be MORE upsetting to be relaxed now and re-upset later… than to simply STAY UPSET. If misery is the steady state, then life can’t throw you a curveball.
“Just TRY to bring me down, universe, I’ve already put myself in the 9th circle of hell.”
So. As we look forward and perhaps determine that things are looking a bit gray… and tumultuous… feeling churn in the air…
Now more than ever, it’s important to remember not to pre-emptively create suffering, “so that the suffering sucks less later.”
Because, yes, while we should shoot for the gray tones; recognizing that there will be lows, not only highs….
The strategy of burying ourselves in states of suffering so that someone else can’t inspire it doesn’t actually prepare us for anything. It diminishes our energy when things are alright, so that we’re LESS prepared when we need our strength the most.
Instead. We want to replenish ourselves when life is giving even a flash of a greenlight. Not in a manic way that disregards wisdom or reason. But in a recovering way that refills our tank.
“gather your powers when you can, knowing that you’ll probably need them at some point later. Not because you’re doomed. But because… life is a series of hills and valleys.”
So.
To “let things be easy,” to capitalize on the highs, when we can let our legs rest and coast downhill for a bit, catching wind and feeling enlivened…. And also prepare for the steep climb that could be eventually coming around one of these turns…
What can we do?
Two quick suggestions.
1) Notice relationships that are never easy. Release them for now. When we have poorly boundaried relationships, the struggles of other people – including in their own psyches - tend to become transferrable. So that even when you’re “okay,” you’re NOT “okay” through relationship with that party. Your easy time becomes difficult.
And when you’re ALREADY not okay…. When things DO heat up… when you ARE facing a big hill… you’re peddling for two, as the other person dead-weights themself and refuses to pitch in.
I’m saying. Mind your feelings of ambivalence – your oppositional emotions – towards people in your life. And the stomach ache that might come along with certain interactions. With the current societal outlook – no, it’s not a good time to be in contact with certain people. Like the ones who gave you CPTSD and haven’t done any work to recover, themselves. Or who have their own brand of CPTSD and… same.
Don’t try to play savior if they don’t have any accountability. If THEY choose to never let things be easy.
When things are fine, they’ll tap into your energy for their own good.
And as things get harder… so will they. Taking resources away from you, when you need you the most.
So bound your relationships now, friends. At (what feels like) the end of the world, you don’t also need to be fighting off vampires or man-sized leeches.
And.
Second suggestion to keep this short.
2) When you wake up feeling like it’s a good day. Like you’re less cumbered than usual. Like your vibes are impeccable, for no apparent reason…. Allow them to be. Instead of running with your brain as it begins subconsciously asking “why?! Until when? How is this a trick?”
We can call that a state of paranoia. A network of off-base fear, anxiety, and stress that becomes a phobia. In this case, a phobia of being UN-SUFFERING.
Rather than falling into pre-emptive fear…. Do what you feel uncannily inspired and able to do. Empty your mind, follow your gut.
Let things flow without your brain getting involved, finding a reason NOT to. There will always be a reason not to.
Tap into the tiny moments of serene existing. Play that song you want to belt out. Dance. Paint that picture if you have a spare hour. Start doodling it, if only five minutes. Enjoy that moment with your dog before you go to work. Melt into the warm water in your shower. Pick up the phone and call that old buddy who always makes you laugh. If you feel like it, and only if you feel like it, smile at someone. Notice when something is beautiful around you. A sunset, light hitting a plant, water running over rocks, a warm or cool breeze, a color that makes your brain say “ahhh.” Give it a big breath in and a slow one out.
(I know, if you’re in a depressive state I can go fuck myself with those suggestions. And also, try to notice them, even though they don’t move the misery dial one by one. But over time, with enough mind-refocusing, these are things that stack up.)
So.
When you can…….. in any ways that are in your control….. LET those things be easy. Don’t pile chores on your empty plate. Don’t “go the extra ten thousand miles” that no one will notice. Don’t give 500% when only 75% is called for. Don’t LOOK for problems to fix. Or to worry about obsessively before they materialize.
Allow yourself to be. By pulling focus into your center. Into your organs. And finding that – hey – sometimes, even when things aren’t good……… even for a moment or ten…… things are fine.
And overall, remember to battle the trauma brain habit of pre-emptive fear and strife.
We’re trained by evolution to look for the bad. And trained by life to expect it’s always around the corner.
But living in a state of “just in case” stress…. Won’t help. It will only degrade your experience, keeping you locked in a traumatized condition, creating a “one tone existence… of misery… for you and everyone around you,” so that life becomes a devotional act of displeasure, destruction, and disease.
With only depressive dark days. And occasional manic white ones that send you plummeting back into the depths, eventually, when the environment gets murky.
With that….
Please enjoy a few moments of guided breathing through this video format.
Try to take it easy on yourself by giving yourself permission to let go of the unimportant things that create undue strain when there is, in fact, no torrentially falling rain. It’s best to dry off in a warm and fluffy towel when you can, than to stay shivering and wet in the cold… just so you don’t experience the sensation of getting misted again.
To end this nice and cheezy. Even in SLEWish times, notice your fear responses, categorize them accurately… and let portions of life go down easy.
Cheers, Fuckers.