takeaways
It's not easy to shrug off trauma without understanding.
Behavioral changes require clarity on goals and values.
Maintaining focus on what matters helps in decision-making.
A bird's eye view can provide clarity and reduce emotional reactivity.
No one can make you feel or act a certain way unless you allow it.
Defining your purpose is crucial for personal growth.
Practicing perspective-taking can enhance emotional regulation.
Life's challenges are often part of a larger narrative.
You have control over your reactions and behaviors.
Knowing what matters to you is essential for a fulfilling life.
keywords trauma, behavioral change, purpose, perspective, emotional regulation, self-awareness, mindfulness, personal growth
I’m a master of putting out content, then realizing I have my own interjections about what I just said, and “well actually”-ing myself.
It makes me deviate from schedule all the time…. as, honestly, I try to correct my thoughts publicly before anyone else can. It’s like the delayed presentation of over-explaining.
Trauma problems.
So here we go, quickly!
Fact.
It’s NOT that easy to just shrug things off with an “okay!” IF… you don’t know what you’re trying to do or why it matters.
Then “Okay” isn’t going to work. And you aren’t going to be readily making behavioral changes on the other side.
For instance, in the car example I gave – being cut off in traffic and having to decide what to do about it in a split second – the answer isn’t obvious and the “okay!” isn’t effective if you’re not keeping your mind pointed towards your destination and what is significant about getting there.
i.e. you want to get to this wedding on time, not get into a car accident. And it matters because you care about the people involved – at the destination and in the vehicle. Or you’re rushing to a job interview. You want to get there so you can make a good impression so you can support your new family.
When those things are top of mind, “okay!” is easy cheezy.
Because you aren’t willing to let some jackass or poorly-skilled-driver ruin your aims. You ARE willing to flexibly respond to their actions, so that your greater goals are achievable.
“OKAY!”
Is a shortcut for those who’ve defined their values. Or know what they’re trying to do in the world.
It’s not useful when waffling through existence, allowing a brain to buzz around from stimuli to stimuli, snapping with first automatic reactions every which way, because it doesn’t matter how energy is spent. Or because the individual has many deeply repressed emotions that they’re enthusiastic to find projective objects to release them upon.
For “okay!” to be effective, there are two conditions:
- Gotta know where you’re going and why it matters to you
- Gotta be able to see the impersonal reality of events
Let’s discuss how to achieve both.
These are the reasons why I talk about taking a birds eye or “universal” view of things.
Because with this visualization / re-framing exercise, you zoom waaaaaaay out from inside your own meat, and the result is removing the emotions of the situation. If you aren’t in your brain and skin, you aren’t triggered or reactive. You’re simply an observer, with enhanced ability to comprehend what’s happening because your view becomes so wide and vast.
This way, you’re left with clarity. Cognitive processes unmarred by big, brain-corrupting emotions. Also, unhindered by ego.
And you see, also, if you may have fallen into that aforementioned pattern of loafing around, uninspired and purposeless, wasting your own resources, looking for reasons to explode or implode, due to internal issues that are spilling onto the world.
You pull your consciousness out of your programmed predispositions and notice something new…. You feel the way you feel and react the way you react because of your own shit. And often, your own shit is saboteurial.
Yep, making up words, as usual.
But when you can take this perspective, this is one of those times where we have to acknowledge that no one makes you FEEL anything. And no one makes you DO anything.
Someone or something only fucks you up if you take the bait, get distracted from what you were trying to accomplish, and engage in the nonsense. Emotionally and behaviorally. Like starting a fist fight with the guy who cut you off, resulting in a drastic change of plans… going down to the police station instead of an interview or reception.
By pulling out from your own eyes and observing the events from above so you’re simply examining facts… you don’t REACT (and ruin everyone’s day)… you RESPOND (stepping over the obstacle and continuing on your intended way).
And that’s when “OKAY!” is useful.
So, using these tips.
- Define your values.
- Decide what your purpose is. It can change. It should probably be flexible, because life is always changing. But always try to have a purpose.
- Start practicing viewing your own life from among the stars. Seeing what you’re intending to do in line with that purpose, how its proceeding, and what challenges emerge along the way… without the frustration or demoralization taking hold.
THEN, “Okay” is as reflexive as breathing. And highly effective to manage yourself.
Because it allows you to get back to what you care about.
“Okay! And now back to what matters because this does not rank on my priority list and/or there’s nothing I can do to change it – I will only strand myself further from my real goals falling down this rabbit hole.”
And then, the attentional inhibition and shifting effort 1) is possible and 2) sticks. Allowing you to “let things go” instead of ruminating yourself into a negative state.
So. To summarize.
You take twenty thousand steps back from the situation in your mind and view it from farrrrr above. I recommend practicing this skill every day, no matter what is happening.
This allows you to see how what’s going on is simply a point on your journey. The line is starting way back THERE and going way over THERE. This bullshit in between? Is a dot. Or a zigzaggy line in the middle. But your journey still happens, from A to B.
It allows you to see how the events taking place… are a part of someone ELSE’S story, so much more than your own.
When you can accept “mom is a selfish, thoughtless, narcissist to some extent,” or “my boss is a demanding, out of touch, rich man who doesn’t understand the pressures I’m under,” because you can also see THEIR journey from this five mile high perspective….
Then you realize none of it has to do with you. It isn’t impeding your travels.
Unless you let it.
And let your intended travels go by the wayside.
You get to decide the boundaries around your point on earth.
You get to decide how you’re thrown off-course or not.
And for me, the word “OKAY!” signifies… that I’m taking charge of both of these points.
From high up above, I see my little ant self, I see you, I see what you’re doing, I see how it relates to what I’M doing – which matters immensely to me –
And I choose to center my life around THAT POINT. THAT GOAL. That purpose. That meaning.
Rather than being spun around in anyone else’s unconscious, uncentered, “just reacting to stimuli without a greater plan here,” behaving.
So the dotted line between where I was and where I’m going can continue to stretch between vast horizons. With the least interruption possible.
Or something poetic and meaningful like that.
And THAT’S what I realized I needed to say today.
You have to know what matters to you. This is the target for your thoughts and behaviors to always return to.
And “OKAY!” serves as the signal to yourself that it’s time to inhibit and shift your attention back to this grounding, supportive, rock in your existence.
Huzzah.
Thanks for listening.
Now get back to what really matters to you.
Take care, Fuckers.