We're here with a hot tip! First, discussing the concept of using the mantra 'let them' to foster acceptance of others' behaviors and decisions. Then... introducing the power of a single word as a tool for acknowledging reality and moving forward. Including a litany of personal anecdotes about adaptive behavioral change instead of fruitless fighting.
takeaways
- Acceptance is key to adaptability.
- The mantra 'let them' encourages autonomy.
- Saying 'okay' helps acknowledge reality.
- Behavioral change is a proactive response.
- Non-acceptance leads to human suffering.
- Self-advocacy is crucial in challenging situations.
- Adjusting behavior can prevent emotional turmoil.
- Personal experiences illustrate the power of acceptance.
- Mindfulness helps in navigating life's challenges.
- You can always change how you respond.
keywords adaptability, acceptance, behavioral change, self-advocacy, emotional autonomy, relationships, coping strategies, personal growth, mindfulness, resilience
transcript
Hey fuckers. So piggybacking off our last episode, I have to say people call me a lot of things.
Not always kind.
But one that I've heard of regularly is "adaptable."
And here's why I would say that that label is accurate.
Acceptance. I do it fast. I adjust the direction I'm headed in or how I'm going to go about getting to my destination often. Very little, if anything, goes the way that I plan. Let me just tell you that much.
And here's a secret little tip.
You may have heard of the two word acceptance mantra that's been going around the internet lately...
The way to take care of yourself in the face of bad relationships especially has been boiled down to this very simple viral phrase.
'Let them.'
Now I have an even shorter phrase that I use which can be applied to every situation not only relationships but let's talk about "let them" first.
Let Them
The purpose is to accept people for who they are and allow them their autonomy without being drawn into codependence, control, coercion, or other forms of energy-zapping strife.
Your mom wants to be an asshole about this upcoming party? Okay. Let her then adjust your behavior accordingly from there, such as not going to said party.
Your boss wants to give you a surprise second job without increased pay? All right, let them. And then start applying to other jobs immediately or otherwise protect yourself from the exhaustion that they're demanding by only doing what is possible while you're on that clock.
Let them observe the results of their own decisions and actions, instead of trying to fight against it, to change reality, to change them, to change their perspectives, or to make up for their, unwise behaving.
I like it. "Let them."
I have used it for years.
And here's my other go-to that I find myself coming back to even more often.
You're, you're gonna hate it.
It's the word,
Okay!
It's said like that. Not, o-kay. Not, ooooOOOooooOOOkay? And not even, ok.
But just, okay!
As in, all right, man, woman, other, event or universe. That's what's going on. Okay. Often said with a half shrug, eyes closed, a conservative little smile, and a single head shake that ends with an uplifted chin.
Okay. Taking a bird's eye view, I am an ant on a large hill. Reality, okay. Accepted. Now here is what I'm going to do, enter adjusted behavior, so that little ant, me, can keep moving.
That is the power of... Okay. For events that are simply happening and your opinion about them doesn't change things, it's both an oversimplification and a highly useful tool.
Of course, there are times when things aren't okay. When everything inside is screaming, fuck no.
But... even in that case, okay, is an acceptance of what is being communicated or observed so that the mind can then move forward on to the next step. I dissent. So now what do we do? How can behavior come into play? How can my autonomy and ability to impact my environment?
In most instances in life, I find that behavioral change is the best course of action.
Not thinking very hard, not grounding into the past and trying to lasso the present and future into line. Just altering actions in response to what is real as the first step.
I.E. you want to be in a polyamorous relationship so you can bone your new coworker. Okay. I accept that that's what you desire and are communicating to me. And I accept that I can't make you want something different. Here comes the behavioral change. But no, I don't consent to that arrangement. So we're breaking up or were maturely discussing your needs, if that's at all an applicable and workable, reasonable suggestion.
And it is kind of that simple life, I mean, navigating it.
Most of human suffering is about non-acceptance, attachments to present or past unrealities
that create wanting and mourning. You may have heard the Buddha say something like that.
And let's say this:
Just like the term acceptance, 'okay,' doesn't mean bring it on. I am for what is happening. I roll over so you may stomp on my body. It means I see what is happening. I understand.
"Okay, this is fact. And now I'm going to figure out my shit so I can respond appropriately. Instead of a mind saying, not okay, not okay, not okay, and getting lost indefinitely in that resistance while things happen around it anyways."
Need a metaphor?
Let's stick with the car one from last time. This time, you're on the highway. Someone cuts you off. "Okay, there they go. Doing that. I don't love it, but I accept reality instead of being attached to my idea of how traveling in this lane would progress." And you switch lanes. Boom, disaster averted. You could probably even just go around that other car and get right back into the place that you wanted to be.
Alternatively, someone cuts you off on that highway and your brain reacts, "no, no, no, no, this isn't what I want from my journey in this lane and I will not allow it." All energy funneling into that cognitive resistance and or retaliation against reality. And from it, you run into them or they you. Boom! Just the disaster. In that case, two different realities were being lived and it resulted in a material mess when they didn't align.
You see?
"Okay!"
It's not 'go with the flow.' It's 'sense, assess, and adjust to the flow so you can do something other than getting sucked along, struggling and exhausting yourself as you drown in the undertow, strongly wishing that the flow was going where you wanted it to.'
Okay, doesn't signify your attitude towards what's happening.
It's acknowledgement that what's happening is happening, that your mind is keeping up, and you might as well be neutral about these observations because here it comes.
So you then have the emotional autonomy and mind control to act from there. And you can do that deep emotional processing later.
Look, I feel like I rarely give personal examples anymore. And you can skip these if you don't want to hear them. But let me give personal examples this time.
With every ridiculous covert abuse measure living near my family for about a year, year and a half. Arbitrary rules that applied only to me, exclusions from gatherings, random screaming attacks, triangulation, continually.
Okay, that's what they were doing. And in response, I decided I guess I'll do something else then, because this is the environment here. So I would just support myself harder in light of their abuse while I planned my means of relocation so that the treatment I learned I could expect could end. Because I accepted that it was real.
Okay!
When I was then moving 800 miles south alone with my RV and the towing company was fucking around, delaying the trip by a week, day by day, raising the price several times over. Literally trying to more than double it. Abruptly changing all the plans so we then had to drive straight through the night. Then showing up four hours later than I did at the destination so I had nowhere to go and no way to rest after that unprepared for not sleeping all night.
Okay. At every point along the way. Successfully getting through that move, the drive, the stress, the grocery shopping at 7am while I waited for them to show instead of wasting my time. And please know that it wasn't okayed without self-advocacy on the other end. It was more, okay, I hear that you're trying to fuck me... And let me tell you how that's not going to happen while I actively make other arrangements with a competing company.
Next example.
Hey, a fire took away my intended home at our last state park residence. Okay, guess we're moving.
And they need a new camp host at this new park because everyone who has come before me knows that it's a huge pain in the dick and the summer labor is not worth the gig. Well, okay. Guess we're going to have a hard summer with a lot of, again, self-advocacy to make sure that I don't die under these conditions.
No working internet here. Okay, I've got to work. We're getting a hotspot today with a new cellular carrier.
We're abruptly out of data. Okay, we're going low tech for the next week and focusing on other shit that needs to get done, so I'm ready to hit the ground running when I do have the internet again.
I could keep going. And then adjust. Not to skip processing. Not to bypass emotions. Not to people please or make them happy at your own expense, not to acquiesce to unworkable conditions or abusive treatments.
But, "okay!," to limit the amount of time and energy wasted fighting anxiously against what a brain wants or doesn't want versus what it would really, really, really, really, really prefer was happening.
That way, you don't get stalled out or avoidant, thus landing yourself in not-okay quicksand or spiraling emotional under-toes that can really damn you while you try to catch up with what is going on.
And that's the end of this episode.
Abruptly throwing a curveball to give you the perfect opportunity to say, okay.
And decide what you want to do next.
I recommend you make it self-supporting and behaviorally based, because you can't change what is happening, but you can always change how you respond.
Okay?!
Cheers.