Today for our bonus we’re going to run through four short pieces based on recent episodes. Let’s revisit the Sharks, shared realities, connection addictions, and economics of dating shows to root those ideas into real life reflections and to-dos.
Here we go.
First piece: The creation of shared realities with sharks.
Let’s pull from our last few episodes last month and talk about the crossover between tech relationships, unseen predators, and dystopian personal worlds.
So let’s say we’ve been living in horrendous personal realities… oppression, surveillance, scarcity… residing in a “bad place” known as the childhood home and onward.
What happens?
We lack connection, support, understanding in the environment that’s supposed to provide it. We live in perpetual stress. We probably have similar isolative feelings from many of our peers because, let’s face it, fucked up families tend to make us socially retarded.
We plunder through life alone.
Until we connect with people who “get it.” And feel an immediate kinship. A sense of self that we’ve not had before, through our reality being reflected back at us. It’s like a drug our brain and body were designed for, but never got to taste before. And the system goes wild.
Like the world has suddenly opened up. Life has suddenly begun.
And we connect, often through what means?
These days, the internet.
Offering us opportunities to meet and converse with people we never would have met otherwise, with some efficiency. Joining niche groups or pursuing special interests on the internet can lead us quickly to fast forming friends and more.
Unfortunately, putting us in the jaws of predators. Who’ve learned to swim like fish.
But no matter how we met, we tend to group up. The “us against the world” mindset falls into place. And might become the central point of the relationship.
So that we cut ourselves off from others and rely solely on our chosen vessel of hope and comradery.
At which point perspectives become skewed. Separate from other views and dependent on the anchor we’ve chained ourselves to, we can become convinced of almost anything.
Like how they’re the only ones who understand or love us, or ever could.
How terrible our old and new potential friends are.
And any number of personal judgements against ourselves that spark shame, low-esteem, and relational reparation activities to benefit the imparter of our perspective. So we stay attached to them, devoted to doing better and making up for our supposed mistakes.
And this is how (especially young, adolescent and early adult) abusive relationships bloom from unfulfilling homes.
Then it continues.
From that relationship, the experience recreates itself.
The new personal dystopia contains history and fear of romantic abuse. Possibly causing a drive for more romance to fill the empty space hollowed out by the prior instance.
Setting the stage for a new shark to swim into frame.
Through an abuse support group? Or a 12-step? Or an addiction picked up and sustained through the abusive experience?
Who knows! But they’ll smell the blood in the water somewhere. And the abusee will, often, unknowingly, pump out extra. The wounds from the last experience, still leaking. Drawing the killers in.
So, a new, new, reality can begin. All over again.
Being told what one needs to hear.
To fill voids and lick wounds.
Creating false intimacy and agreement.
Shaping opinions, changing perspectives and perceptions in a two-directional fashion.
Creating a new outlook.
And a life on a new world.
Piece two: Let’s talk about the bottle uncorking.
It was recently brought up in the discord community… “one of the reasons I’m socially and romantically avoidant is how obsessive my brain becomes with a drop of connection.”
And I’m here to state – yeah, you’re not the only one.
Personally, in the lonely years of my life (early childhood, after transferring to university, and these last few solar spins), I’ve noticed the same thing. My mind places too great an importance on relationships – all of them – if there’s a semblance of one existing.
So I can meet someone, have a fine conversation, exchange numbers, and then find myself checking for messages chronically or constantly thinking about what I’m supposed to say or do to move the needle. My mind becomes half-theirs. I can’t concentrate on my own world fully. My feelings depend on their actions and my confidence in my own.
Take the first episode of DnD about relational doping and figure that it applies to all types of relationship when you’ve been deprived of positive human interactions. Or any human interactions.
We get a drop of dope – a signal that we’re doing the right thing, providing for ourselves through meeting some of our softer needs – and the brain doesn’t want to give that boost up.
It wants more.
It NEEDS more and begins cycling about how to get it.
The good news is… this goes away. If you begin engaging with more people, more consistently, you won’t be so starved.
And that doesn’t mean you need to have deep, intense, relationships consistently. Only that you have more human connection, regularly.
So the brain doesn’t estimate “this is my one chance, what do I do so that it doesn’t go away?!”
If you get started having regular exchanges, even with people you work with, baristas, people on dating apps and into real life, this obsessive problem will go away. It won’t get so laser focused, like this is it’s only chance at a meal.
Now the obsession might crop back up again if you run into “your type” or hit a deep connective conversation. Because those speak to different human needs.
But luckily, if you just keep practicing, even those won’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
If you get started socializing, it will naturally progress, human interaction will foster more human interaction, through social networks, improving esteem, and polishing interpersonal skills, and you’ll learn to conquer each new devil you come in contact with.
So that chatting at the grocery store with a stranger eventually leads to new friendships with other people you spontaneously meet and those will lead to romantic ticklings, as you gain more and more grounding to keep expanding your social reach.
Each step, making it easier to take the next.
So. If you’ve held back from humans because your brain becomes a torture chamber when they’re in your orbit or you fear freaking them out with your abundant interest… worry not (too much). These things are likely to happen. They will feel like failures. But that’s what learning new behaviors almost always feels like.
It’s a temporary problem.
It’s a confrontation of rejection sensitive dysphoria.
It’s a challenge to anxious attachment or old codependence patterns.
IF you keep pushing through, with reflection and intention to do things differently, even if they’re unpleasant to do at all.
But no, you’re not a weirdo or a loser for getting a little too enthusiastic after a successful interaction or a random meeting. You’re the owner of a hungry brain and body. And they need to be fed.
And here, I offer you a less self-destructive way to look at your obsessibrain:
Think of how cute it is.
But first think of your brain, not your self.
We have these proteiny-salty-fat sacks. Pork rinds before frying. That process and generate information nonstop. Your thoughts.
These things need?
Other brains to exchange that information with. To take their creations and see if others appreciate them. A mind, alone, works forever, and rarely feels like it gets anywhere. Another mind enters the picture and those synapses fire together. Suddenly, not alone. Not a prisoner of thoughts. But a sharer.
And in this way, your brain is what requires companionship. Not you.
If you can imagine your brain as a dog or a child or any other social animal that fills you with positive feelings, it makes it easier to understand the care your brain needs and to deliver it. Without being mad about it or judging yourself negatively or dismissing the need.
So think of your brain, on a chain or in a kennel, sequestered from all the others, forlornly looking out, begging for a playmate.
This is your mind in isolation.
And it’s no wonder that the thing wants to break free when it gets a glimpse of a potential friend.
Please, if you haven’t seen the video of the male lizard that sees another (female) lizard for the first time, and begins furiously trying to climb through the glass enclosure that surrounds him, little legs windmilling in every direction… imagine or take a gander.
And try to compassionately see your social brain the same way.
Piece three: Let’s talk about not-to-do-moves that you’ll probably hate to hear.
Don’t get creepy online. Do not social stalk. Get off their fucking linkedin and venmo, too.
Sure, make sure the person isn’t a murderer, if you don’t trust yourself to feel out those danger signs. But then get off the internet. Meet the person in real life. Observe and form your own judgements from there.
It makes no sense to observe someone’s social media. Because we all lie on social media. You will see who they think they are, or who they want others to think they are. This has absolutely nothing to do with who they are.
Or more importantly, how they treat you.
THIS is the best basis of your judgment. And you’ll never find the answer on a phone or computer screen.
You have to spend time together, repeatedly, to see how you feel around them. Before seeing them, during, and after, how do you feel? What runs through your body? Your brain? Are you calmed? Are you anxious? Are you filled with dread or depressive emotions?
If your mental or physical health suddenly tanks when you start seeing someone or making it serious, pay attention! Your system is telling you something important.
Though we love connection and can get lizard-excited about it, the big questions are not “will they play with you,” but:
How do your behaviors play off each other?
How do they care or consider you?
What will life experience with them be like?
You cannot find these answers on any profile.
You also cannot find them in any text exchange.
You have to meet in material reality. SEE and FEEL for yourself.
This is what matters. Not their presentation to society, especially on the internet. Which is most likely not going to be authentic to them. Or any sort of indicator about how you’ll engage together.
I’m sorry. I know plenty of people are disagreeing.
But ya wrong.
From there, if it’s working…
Forming balanced realities together, not corrupted “niche” worlds for two - how do we do that?
Well, the key is not to lose touch with people outside the relationship, largely. You need multiple perspectives to avoid falling into one. Don’t give up your friend dates. Don’t avoid family functions (if you like those people). Don’t forego work and community relationships. Don’t give up hobbies that put you in contact with a larger group of minds.
And. Don’t. Bring. Your. Partner. To. All. Social. Events.
Ever had a friend who stopped being a friend and started being a pairing? You make a lunch date with them, you get two companions without warning? You never have a guys or girls night anymore, there’s always another entry? You can’t even have a phonecall without their partner getting tagged in or interrupting at some point?
Yeah. That’s two people, conjoined, in one life and one reality.
And, hint if you’re someone who does this… the people around you probably don’t appreciate it.
They, most likely, do not feel as fondly about your partner as you do. They, most likely, do not feel like that person needs to be involved or adds anything to the event.
They, most likely, will stop talking to you so much or caring much about the friendship, because it doesn’t seem like YOU do, when you’re always bringing an intruder – a third party – to the meetup.
So, for an easy answer, how to not get hopelessly enmeshed, delusional, and (sorry) annoying to everyone you knew from before?
Do things with other people, alone, at least 50% of the time. Leave your romantic person at home or with their friends. Everyone needs to maintain connections with myriad humans in order for two brains not to become one.
Pretty simple?
And for our fourth piece: As for dating dos – what can we say TO DO?
We’ve been talking about what doesn’t work well in relationship. So, what DOES work in regards to meeting online, forming balanced realities together, and early dating?
And I’m coming at this from a stereotypical “male” perspective. But feel free to use these tips for reflecting, regardless.
- Make a plan.
- Make that plan simple and cheap – reflective of the stage of relationship you’re in.
- Don’t lead with resources unless that’s the relationship you want to have. Because you won’t be in a relationship with another human if you, instead, center your interactions around giving things to them.
- Have the courage to let them reject you. Keep moving.
1) First up. Please, for the love of Christ, make a fucking plan off the apps.
We just spoke to how difficult it is to pull that trigger or follow through for financial reasons. And of course there are anxiety and defeatist issues, as well.
But the conversation has to progress or it will die on Bumble. The way for it to naturally, and less deceptively do that? Is to meet in real life.
AND YOU HAVE TO MAKE A PLAN TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Please.
Don’t suggest “a hang.” That will not materialize, feels ambiguous, and puts a lot of pressure on the other party. You don’t know each other. So don’t make generalized “hang” allusions. That’s what you do with the best of your friends.
Instead, do this:
Name a time and place. Ask for feedback. Adjust accordingly.
That’s it. That’s seriously what so many people (women, in my experience) are looking for. If you name a date, time, and place (and it follows this next rule), you seem like a king among men, immediately, because so few will step up and make it happen.
But, big but:
2) Make sure this plan is in accordance with the stage of your match.
On a first date? No fancy dinners, no movies, no big events. That’s what you do on anniversaries or casual committed date nights. It’s deeply uncomfortable to skip to this step and generally doesn’t work well.
Instead, first, find out if you like each other. Meet briefly to make sure the “vibe” is there. To see if you have any chemistry in physical appearance, humor, and communication style.
If it is? If you want to spend more time together? Awesome. You can extend it, staying where you began. Or you can take the date to another location.
So ideally choose a spot that’s somewhat metropolitan or “downtown” in your area. That way everyone feels safe that there are other people around. And there are other options within walking distance if you feel like you DO want to grab dinner or another drink or go people watching. Then keep a few options in mind to suggest, without having to pause and google things – a date killer once you’re both on your phones instead of making eye contact.
But hear me roar:
It’s 2026. No one (reasonable) wants to be taken to a steakhouse or a sushi place that puts pressure on everyone.
Because
3) Don’t lead with resource flaunting, or that’s what they’ll be attracted to instead of you.
If they DO want this fancy ass dinner, per nothing, please relisten to the last episode on cost of living vs. dating – specifically, the sections on resource-based relationships - and consider if that’s the sort of situation you’re looking to create.
Anyone who’s pushing you to prove that you have cash and care with it… again, when you do not know each other and owe each other nothing… is going to perpetuate that pattern long after meeting.
Sounds good?
If not?
Great. Save yourself the rent money and pitch a date to someone else.
BECAUSE:
4) (the point we’ve all heard but it takes time to integrate for real) you don’t want to “win” at dating
You want rejection. Not acceptance.
Sounds backwards after what we just said about a brain. UNTIL you consider that poor little creature seeking connection (a dog, a child, a guinea pig, whatever works for you), not finding it, and changing everything about themselves trying to make friends.
Really imagine it.
A sniff here, an engagement attempt in its own natural language, having the realization that it’s not working, and then taking a subservient role to make any continuation of the interaction possible. Forever. Still lonely. Still feeling “wrong.” But now expending great effort to keep it all up.
This is not what they want.
This is not what we want.
We want to sniff, attempt an engagement, and find that every behavior we make is successful because we’re aligned animals. So that interaction proceeds with flow and ease until we hit natural speedbumps that need a little extra work.
The real “connection” we’re looking for.
Make a plan.
Make it simple and cheap. A product of your wisdom.
Let them say no.
Keep moving.
Until someone says (and means) yes to who you are and what you’re offering.
And those are my four “dos” of dating to do it effectively for the long-run.
This wraps up this BONUS episode, integrating recent episodes in four short stories.
I hope you’re ready to talk gender issues for the next two weeks, and implore you to begin thinking about the topic. If you have any Qs or stories, you know where to send them; the comments of this episode or my Patreon DMs.
As you keep wisely
Dating
In
Dystopia.
And I’ll talk to you soon.