Before we begin today… I want to acknowledge that the episodes so far may have been disappointing.
All the focus on what we do wrong rather than what to watch out for while others do it all wrong…. The prompts for self-reflection and figuring out why we make mistakes… the lack of shit talking, throwing idiots under the bus, and damning entire populations for their failed attempts at love…
I admit, it’s not as fun.
Where’s the conversation about toxic behavior on and off the apps, guys acting like jackasses, and how to respond like a boss? Isn’t that the crux of dating? Isn’t that the crux of dating shows.
Well, maybe. Generally speaking, we made it that way after talking it into reality.
In a big way, that’s a shared perspective that has been forced onto a good portion of the population. Creating highly specialized realities to be joined or rejected.
So, today. We are going to discuss some lurking threats…
As we talk about PUWBs. And sharks in fish’s clothing. Both of which lurk in the waters surrounding your hopeful ship.
And the dating perspective that we just described, which created both phenomenon.
IIIII don’t really know how to explain it succinctly without giving it all away. Let’s just get started.
Speaking of shared realities from last time, it needs to be acknowledged that we’re all living in one if we’re listening to a podcast like this. Or watching therapy tiktok. Or jumping into healing reels.
The perspective of therapy, healing, self-improvement, examining the past and reframing the present… Things that seem normal as breathing and obvious, to us. Are our own separate reality that we expect others to join us in.
Wellness is required to relate with us.
These are the lenses we see the world through. The vocabularies that we speak in.
But that’s not reality for everyone.
And, as we stated last time:
- People do what they have to do to be successful, so they will try to adopt the worldview, anyways, if it’s necessary to get matching. Maybe they aren’t all that well, but they’ll put on a show about it if it leads to genitals rubbing.
- Shared realities between two people tend to get smaller and become tiny prisons, as interaction between them funnels conversations (thoughts) into defined, pre-approved, directions. So, a couple that meets under the guise of wellness will probably either move further towards ascension (self perfection) in an obsessive and isolating way OR move towards their real perspectives, which, in reference to the first point, were hidden beneath the falsely stated one developed to get laid (i.e. over time the couple moves towards unwellness; an abandonment of the supposed insights and educations that brought them together in the first place, in a full 180)
So, we must acknowledge… we are in a shared reality sand trap. The wellness world.
And it has become a shared reality requirement for a good portion of the rest of the world – at least if they want to partner up or just get their goods goggled… Which includes some pessimistic and overly definitive (if you ask me) views on relationships.
Let’s talk about dating.
Thanks to the reputation it earned on the internet and the societal divide that has us assessing each other as non-persons, very few people these days feel as though dating is a fruitful or fun idea.
“I’ve rejoined the apps.”
It’s enough to elicit a group sigh, gasp, or cringe. Pats on the back and well wishes. Inquiries “are you sure?” and corresponding grimaces.
This episode type is called Dating in Dystopia. Clearly there are judgments against being “out there on the market” right now.
It feels a bit like the pre-emption to a fish market, actually. Like we’re in an episode of The Greatest Catch.
There are a lot of curious sights, smells, and feelings. Things you’ve never imagined living on this terrestrial planet before, suddenly known. Fantastical tale of many struggles and sensations you’d like to avoid experiencing, yourself. Dark, unseeable worlds told be looming all around.
And quite a chance of sharks.
In the case of online dating, we’re told that they’re circling. Lurking below. Measuring up their prey for a quick and bloody takedown. Everywhere. Using the environment to their advantage and striking when we least expect it.
Or so we assume and imagine and believe.
A world of psychopaths. An entire gender – or two, or more - of timebombs waiting to explode. Horrible creatures. Danger, around every turn. Especially if you dare to open yourself up to intimacy.
At least that’s what the internet Reels and Shorts would have you thinking. As they’ve been providing video and screenshot evidence of these flesh hungry specimen for years now.
Text message callouts and analyses. First date secret recordings and playbacks. Empowered advisements of “Oh he didn’t answer? Fuck that guy” and “Girrrrl don’t even talk to him again if he says ____, it means he needs to be diagnosed as _____,” ringing through the net.
And alllll the narcissist talk. Everything, a symptom. We’ve, apparently, no other acceptable words for assholes anymore.
And… this isn’t a criticism of those date-education efforts.
In a lot of ways, I think it’s helped. Those of us who feel like we get played and taken for emotionally manipulative rides, at least, might be less swayed by illusions and the echoes of unhealthy childhoods, after hearing each other’s stories. Learning vicariously. Connecting our own dots, thanks to theirs.
But here’s where I have to wonder, again, if the bountiful educational opportunities offered by the world wide web have helped or hurt us – broadly speaking – in our efforts to live better. This time, through our trials in bedding and bagging better people.
Because the wellness world + dating damning combined? Has created some predator spotting experts, out of all of us.
And perhaps… has ironically made the threat more dangerous than ever before.
(An original theory I’ve been sitting on)
We all want to avoid encountering a shark again.
And so, the videos began pouring out, telling us what to watch out for and how to respond.
I, myself, contributed.
This clinical psychologist says…. This research revealed… This narcissism expert tells us…
We ate it up, with honest intentions. Just trying to prevent more limb rippage.
To be safer when we go out splashing in the dating pool.
We gathered together. We shared our experiences. We decided to take back the upper hand in an environment where we often feel like the underdogs.
Learning from each other. Integrating the red flags. Connecting the points to comprehend patterns. Figuring out what is and isn’t acceptable behavior and learning to avoid it from the get-go.
Using the internet to our full dating advantage. No longer alone. No longer relying on monthly issues of cosmo for advice. No longer casting blindly into the night and hoping we get something worth keeping.
And, all the while, adapting to online apps as the prevailing fishing holes.
And here’s the thing.
So did the sharks.
The people we were all learning to avoid through our wellness worlds on Instagram and tiktok… also became more educated about the reasons they were being avoided.
Duh-duhn duh-duhn duh-duhn.
Question.
You think only the prey was learning about abuse tactics and early indicators of bad personality revelations to come?
That the predators didn’t seek out the information on the internet themselves?
– OR – more likely, perhaps, had it thrown in their direction by a recent graduate of youtube abuser identification university? Giving them a crash course in what they said to set off warning bells?
You think they didn’t organically realize that certain tactics led to unmatches and ghostings? They weren’t conditioned, naturally, through being dropped or left on read?
….
You think only the health-minded fishermen (us) have been learning, educating themselves, and adapting?
The monsters lurking below decided to just “let us have this one”? Gave up their apex status and let the soft bellied species have their chance to thrive, stresslessly?
….
Or do you think maybe the sharks – the people we’ve all been educating ourselves to avoid reeling in - have also been adjusting to the societal environment of popsychology and changing their tactics to keep feeding?
Pulling back the red flags we’ve learned to spot? Changing their hunting habits? Camouflaging themselves differently?
So they can still hunt undetected?
Better yet, so they can hunt undetected after tricking the fisherman into letting down their guard, leaping into the water without a lifejacket, because they learned how to look harmless. Taking on the appearance of Lisa Frank dolphins instead of blood thirsty killers.
…. Reading profiles and hosting intro conversations these days, I know my guess.
Yes, I just joked about the homestead homies the other day. The guys who insist they want to go live off the land – they’re not a capitalist cuck to watch out for! - when they have no experience or means of doing so.
That’s one form of a fish adjusting its appearance to be more attractive to the fisherman.
And here, let me also introduce another. If you wanted some zingy “watch out for them” advice, this is what I’ve got for you today.
As you go frolicking and splashing in the waters that you hope will support a ship… beware of PUWBs floating around.
PUWBs.
Performative Unintegrated Wellness Boys. (Substitute Boys for Bitches as needed, they also exist, but I’ll be speaking from my hetero observations today.)
So.
What’s a PUWB?
An individual looking to present themselves as therapized, evolved, and morally advanced. An ally. Someone who “gets it” and “has done their work.” Someone who won’t end up in a red flag tiktok being fingered by the internet.
They might be a relationship PUWB (A supposed “big communicator, lover of collaboration and cooperation, fan of emotional intelligence”) and/or any other aspect of life that wellness could touch (A big talker of health and fitness. A spiritual performer. A cleanliness and purity presenter.)
AND a decided “gentle, enlightened, elevated, guy among pigs.” If you believe what they show you at first glance.
PUWBs: They say the right things. They act right, for a bit.
But with time you realize there is nothing behind it. Just some first or secondhand experience with the wellness world that the internet has reduced and popularized.
And, actually, in the worst cases, you realize you’ve been bamboozled.
This guy isn’t just incorrect about how he presents himself. He’s not mistaken about his enlightenment, feminism, and emotionality…
You find out it was orchestrated, somehow. And the tapdancing performance you just observed is far more concerning than if it were someone who doesn’t have the oversight to mask themselves in this way.
An ignorant PUWB is one thing. They might just lack a strong identity.
A purposeful PUWB?
That’s the biggest threat. The awareness and the effort indicates there’s self-knowledge and also the intention to mislead. To stay hidden until it’s time to breech the surface, prey in jaws.
When you figure out that you’ve been hanging with an intentional PUWB, you might realize you’ve not been wading around with an embarrassing genitalia adornment… you’ve been hanging with someone in a category all their own. An opportunistic hunter who knew exactly what they were doing.
You’ve been swimming with a shark in fish’s clothing.
A next generation predator, self-aware and self-optimizing in light of the information that’s prevalently available on the internet, as the rest of us try to use that same information to reduce our risk of being maimed.
You see the irony.
Another?
The sharks have had a lot more time to evolve their hunting skills than we have had time to counteract them. So our efforts to out-detect and out-smart them are, often, if anything, hubris-instilling hindrances to staying safe, rather than harm preventive tools. We have the illusion of being safer due to our educations, which might encourage us to fling ourselves into the seas and confidently state that we’ll spot a shark before it gets to us.
And this is untrue.
In other words, human predators have been learning how to “pass” with charm and intrigue for their entire lives. Like sharks, evolving over millions of years to perfect their strategies.
Human prey - the wellness fishermen who take a dip in the ocean once in a while - have only been getting informed about these strategies for the last 5 or so. We are amateur fishermen.
As quickly as we can try to become, say, narcissism-spotting experts? The narcissists can adapt faster. And more effectively. Because 1) it’s an old game to them and 2) now they’re being fed all the cheat codes.
We might feel like we’re mental health experts who can point out a fin from miles away…. But meanwhile, the real predators have learned to stop sporting fins. To take a different approach. And they do it with a previously accrued lifetime of skill.
So… how do you know that you’ve found one… a secret shark or, god we hope, just an unintentional PUWB… without wasting said time?
Well, at the risk of being too reductive and also providing more information to the toothy threats we speak of?
All the psychobabble. Fitting in buzzwords and wellness memes and pop psychology when it’s not necessary. It feels like you’re being reported to. Like they wrote a paper about this topic, rather than they’re relaying a part of their life. It’s often disjointed and inauthentic. The language changes too quickly. The details are lacking. It’s both too specific, in intellectual terms, and unspecific, in real life material. It’s awkward and distant from the way people casually talk.
Also, another sign is the speaking without saying anything. Wheeling and dealing in idyllic, nebulous philosophies. Generally, which you have not asked about whatsoever. Soapboxing at you about their life learnings and insights when you haven’t inquired or said something similar… and frankly, we’ve all had insights on mushrooms before, dude, calm down, no one is wondering about yours.
And another sign? The stated interest in very progress-coded relationship goals that, again, mean nothing. There is no meat to them. i.e. saying things like they’re here for “finding an intentional relationship, putting communication first, and forming an equal partnership…” with no grounding in real steps taken. If you try to discuss how they see a relationship unfolding, they give you nothing you can grab hold of. The difference between “it’s crucial to be with someone I share an art practice with” and “it’s important to me that we support each other.” One gives real details, the other means nothing. One is based in experience, the other is based in presenting the right thought (they hope).
So, remember, when we’re looking for people who’ve taken notes from the internet to develop their prevailing, presentable, personality… it will be in internet terms. When we’re looking for people who’ve developed these views through their own dealings and reflections… it will be in their terms.
And it might not sound as eloquent or bookish as the reels and shorts. It might be in basic words, describing basic behaviors, which can be easily overlooked as evidence of inner work.
So. In general, with PUWBs, what they say?
Sounds good.
If they were writing a paper about their knowledge.
It doesn’t seem to go beyond that.
They’re reading and reacting to a script – demonstrating who they need to be in order to keep eating – which can sound impressive and convincing if you’re primed to start emotionally masturbating without examining for real details.
Something we all generally do.
So, unfortunately, the tactic… works.
And in this way, the internet forced adaptation to happen quicker than we were ready for it.
We relationship warriors went out, a generation or 2.5 got educated about red and green flags as they relate to abuse, and the dating ecosystem changed as a result. The rewarded rules of conduct, the permitted jokes, the desired attitude and outlook on partnership – altered by the glorious self-therapizing we’ve all been doing.
Which is excellent.
Maybe there is less toxicity. Maybe teaching consent has added more safety. Maybe more of us at-risk-for-abuse individuals have learned to walk away instead of selling our souls to various devils.
….
And also, it’s not so simple as “the good guys learn to spot danger, problem solved.”
Because the… if we want to call them “bad guys”… learned to hide their danger, as a result.
Meaning, if anything, the narcs and violent aggressors and misogynist dickwads have gotten smarter. Stronger. Better at taking down prey.
Because they know what NOT to do to get past defenses and alarm systems. To hide their shark nature until it’s too late.
There’s a scale of risk in online dating.
From the annoying, but generally harmless, PUWB. A person who will probably be annoying and disappointing as you unravel the fact that they’re lacking a strong sense of self, they aren’t relationship experts, and their weekend activities are nothing like their stated hobbies …. Best case scenario, if you get together, you will become an annoying wellness couple. Worst case scenario, they drop the self-improvement façade and you find out you’re with a regular Joe, with regular problems….
All the way up to the real predators – the people who are masking their genuine risks to other landwalkers, through learning how to tamp down their more obvious hunting moves. The sharks that will tear you limb from limb. Leaving you bleeding in the water.
And it’s hard to differentiate between the two.
Until it’s too late.
So…
Beware of both.
Duh-duhn. Duh-duhn.
When we speak of Dating in Dystopia – sure – we can focus on the obvious signals that society is a radiation polluted lake filled with mutated, human-feasting fish that primarily feed on the tears of hopeful local singles. We can fear the problems that we all know exist. Incels, human rights violators, good old classic drunks and abusers.
Or
We can pay attention to, perhaps, the bigger problem…
That the smartest of those scaly buggers have now been trained to shape shift into forms that appear unthreatening. Desirable. On a whole new level than before. Because they aren’t reliant on their own experiential wisdom and reflection powers to figure out how to manipulate and charm anymore.
Now they have reports. From “us” – those who want to learn to avoid abuse. And “them” – those who treat dating like hunting.
What works. What are we on the lookout for. What can be salvaged from the moves that have been identified as danger signs, but tweaked to still ping the same wound or pluck the same heartstring without raising alarm?
I think this is the real scene that we face, trying to date and relate in 2026.
An ocean of fish, with a good portion of them secret sharks wearing less fearful costumes. Hiding. Masquerading as inert, harmless, tasty morsels who could be friends. And accomplishing their goal with accuracy and self-awareness, thanks to all the insights they’ve been fed online.
Maybe the internet obsession with self and relational improvement has been a positive development for most of mankind.
And maybe it’s also helped the phonies to grift and charlatan themselves more effectively. Assisting the abusers as much as the abusees. Giving both sides a correlating skills evolution, unfortunately keeping them locked in the same dynamic.
We can apply our brains to the problem with more knowledge than ever before. But so can the people we’re trying to avoid. So that we’re still trapped in the same prehistoric battle of prey and dark, looming, predator.
With each side trying to change faster than the other.
…
…
There’s another thing to remember, though.
This is the part of the show where I make everyone mad or sad, by reminding you that when we point one finger at others, we get three back at ourselves.
Here we go!
We, too, are trying to adapt quickly. To be the best partners possible. To be dating successful.
And we’ve also received that psycho-education. Those nudges towards rapid reprogramming in accordance with societal standards that might outpace the human ability to genuinely change.
We’ve become wellness fishermen, women, and theys.
…
For each of us brave fisherman or woman venturing out into the dating apps, hoping to keep sharks out of the boat, we also must recall…
We, too, have absorbed all this information. And set out to “do better at relating.” Leading us to learn what is and isn’t acceptable. What will and won’t get us another date. How to curb our worst habits and be healthier for relationships.
…
And, in that way, we’ve also been sharks dressed in mundane fits.
….
We, too, are probably, to some extent, PUWBs, or worse.
And it has nothing to do with bad intentions.
None of us is as skilled at relationship conduct as tiktok video consumption would have us believe.
Collecting information is easy but appears hard.
Applying the information is hard but appears easy.
We’ve collected. Hoping to improve life for everyone. We’ve even had a few years to practice application of all the information, theoretically.
But not a single one of us has been “fixed” or “healed” from memes or media or passing opportunities to give-r a shot in real life. The only way to get better at relationships is to gather experience in relationships. And that takes lifetimes.
So even with our best intentions and attempts – our desires to be unlike those who’ve hurt us before, to be unlike ourselves in relationships where others have been hurt before - we may also be threats disguised as rainbow fish.
We might cause a great deal of harm believing WE know what to do, WE are healed, WE are harmless fishy friends… until we get in the waters and find they’re filled with blood from the lashings of OUR teeth.
But it won’t appear that way when we speak to ourselves, our friends, and our matches with the right words. Adopting the language and concepts of secure attaching and interdependent relating as we were taught online… learning to be wellness world warriors…
Without necessarily having the capacity for a lifetime of follow-through with another real, material, wounded, difficult, person, once we’re swimming together. Rather than the idea of one, as presented through content creators.
We fear the sharks. While being sharks, accidentally, ourselves.
Because none of us can evolve as quickly as the internet has.
But it might convince us that we’ve completely changed form.
Duh-duhn. Duh-duhn.
I’m saying, everyone makes mistakes.
Relationships are bound to hurt.
We all deserve grace and repeat opportunities, as long as we’re actually trying.
But I think the internet has convinced many people that they’re experts or at least adequates of the most difficult components of being human. Relationships.
And that can cause harm to everyone involved.
As much as we’re looking out to avoid injury for ourselves… we’re also learning how to hide those shadow aspects from others.
As others do the same for us.
Perhaps with everyone acting as predators. Mutually sharpening their teeth and improving their stealth. Neither seeing their search for love and acceptance as a hunt that often maims the reciprocal party.
Just like self-improvement media may have turned us against ourselves in recent years, when circumstances simply outweighed the personal capacity to make enormous strides, in many cases….
Relationship-improvement and abuse-avoidance media may have made some of us too confident in a game we don’t really know about. Self included.
And also turned against each other, taught us what’s no longer acceptable, and instilled new unobviously-dangerous behaviors. Raising the sails for us to swoop into unhealthy relationships, in spite of everything we’ve learned, by outlawing the normal behavioral indicators so we are without flags to be on the watch for.
And it may have also, also, taught the most dangerous members of society – the ones that we’re all ACTUALLY trying to avoid at all costs – the socio and psychopaths, not the narcissists – how to blend in easier with the changing surroundings. How to appear like a friendly, curious, herbivore, fish in the sea. While hiding their weapons and poisons.
So my message is this….
Don’t be a PUWB, yourself.
Don’t fall for PUWBs.
And beware of the elevated camouflage available for sharks.
Yes, we’re looking for fins.
Yes, they’re harder to spot than ever.
They might appear to be annoying and gross, but ultimately harmless, PUWBs, instead.
And unfortunately, we might also be hiding our own warning signs and sharp teeth. Acting as the secret sharks that other fishermen are journalling about.
It’s a world of danger out there.
The internet can warn you about who to be on the lookout for… but those creatures are receiving the same education you are, changing their phenotype, and adjusting their hunting habits accordingly.
Just like we are.
And they might even have good intentions.
Just like we do.
So maybe all the dating information about narcissists and energy vampires and twin flames of the past ten years hasn’t actually been helpful… and it isn’t wise to focus on the behaviors of others, as indicators of a potential relationship…
When instead we could make sure we’re fishing with the right technique, with a clear head for steering the ship, with the right bait, and with the ability to discern threats vs. throwbacks vs. keepers, for ourselves.
Because the seas will always be changing and adapting to the ways that we go out fishing.
And when we try to change and grow just as quickly, we might end up causing harm in return… or absorbing heavy, life-changing impacts, by putting ourselves in deep waters that we’re not ready for, assuming we’ll be able to outsmart the sharks.
And in this technological “bad place” of oppression, surveillance, and fear…
That’s just one more issue we face while we continue swimmingly:
Dating
In
Dystopia.
Duh-duhn. Duh-duhn.