Exploring the complex relationship between anxiety, acceptance, and action. Acceptance is the first step in addressing anxiety; avoidance only leads to further problems. By accepting reality, individuals can mobilize their energy towards meaningful actions rather than being paralyzed by fear and dysfunction. Let's start making use of anxiety and creating change.
takeaways
Acceptance is the first step in dealing with anxiety.
Avoidance can lead to passive consent to harmful situations.
Anxiety can be a catalyst for positive action if approached correctly.
Self-compassion comes after acceptance, not before.
Acceptance is not the same as consent; it is acknowledging reality.
Mindfulness and present moment attention are crucial for acceptance.
Values clarification helps individuals identify what matters most to them.
Behavioral change is only possible after accepting reality.
Building local communities can empower individuals to take action together.
keywords anxiety, acceptance, self-compassion, mental health, emotional well-being, behavioral change, community action, psychological flexibility, acceptance commitment therapy, coping strategies
Let’s talk about two things from recent episodes, leading into today’s chat.
One was me… making a mistake.
The other was a point from our most recent paper (insert) that we just slapped around in the bonus episode on continued implications of that publication.
I’ll start there. That paper featured a line that I initially held back for later discussion. Essentially, stating that ORIGINALLY individuals have a heightened and sustained attentional black hole around anxieties and threats. AT FIRST and FOR A WHILE we’re unable to stop thinking, feeling, and perceiving those negative fear-based experiences.
And then….eventually…. Attention shifts towards blocking out the threats.
We become avoidant of the thing that has caused us tension.
Which, in the context of the world and various delusional systems we’ve probably been in before (read: our family units), means that some individuals just…. Stop… paying attention… to what they don’t want to see.
It makes sense. It’s a self-defense mechanism.
And also, it doesn’t do the person any favors to block out real threats. Or the people around them, who may be relying on them to identify those threats (in the cases of our parents, for example)… or the common collective, in the case of our world kindof being lit on fire and requiring collective attention and action.
And it also doesn’t help the people who ARE still tuned in when the folks around them are saying “what flames? I don’t see them. Everything is and will be fine.”
The other point – my mistake – was when I stated that self-compassion, care, and kindness were step one of dealing with anxiety.
That’s not true!
And even stupider than that… I cut apart an old graphic from the Actual Self Love series that WAS true in order to make that simplification.
So here’s the reality.
Step one of dealing with anxiety – just like self hate - in a meaningful way is accepting reality. Check the video, see the ole schematic being referenced.
But the truth is.
You can’t change behaviors and monitor for progress any other way. You can’t help yourself. You can’t change your attention. You can’t hold or manipulate relevant material in working memory.
First you need to know what IS happening and stop fighting ourselves about the facts, to decide what to do about it.
When we get stuck in loops of “I see a threat, I don’t want it to be like this, I see a threat, I wish it wasn’t like this, I still see the threat, let me think about the ways this is a goddamn catastrophe if it happens….”
We’re not processing. We’re not moving forward. We’re not making behavioral alterations to address the problem.
We’re simply stuck in a never-ending argument versus reality. About what we DON’T WANT.
Instead need to free up our thoughts from this pointless energy drain. Inhibiting that one-sided fight against reality in our own skull. And move our energy towards what we can do about it.
THEN we can apply self-compassion, care, and kindness.
THEN we can make behavioral changes.
THEN we can monitor for positive signs in outcomes and make adjustments.
But before acceptance? Nothing can get accomplished.
Example: Think of every bad relationship you’ve ever been in. How much time was spent wishing the other person was different? Refusing to accept cognitively who they really were and how they really treated you? How long did that thing drag out, causing immense anxiety, cognitive weakening, and self-suffering before one day it finally clicked “this IS who they are, so now what do I do?” and from THERE you were able to navigate the shituation.
Right?
Think about how that translates to today’s problems on international and personal scales.
How many people aren’t accepting what’s happening – and are mayyybeeee refusing to pay attention to it, perhaps because they’re burnt out on anxiety from the past… oh… 9 years… and how do you think that can contribute to allowing unsafe, unhealthy, increasingly violent and controlling abusive dynamics to continue?
Just like they did in the family unit built around enabling a narcissist? Just like they did in prior terrible romantic relationships?
I’m saying.
Yes, we’ve been speaking damningly about anxiety. But also. I’ve been saying “anxiety isn’t necessarily off-base or evil.” There’s a REASON that our attention is sustained by threats and negative perceptions. Because we need to ADDRESS them.
If we don’t, and burn out our mental and emotional resources instead, then we can flip into a delusional, passive, conceding mode of existing.
At which point the human mind will refuse even HARDER to see what’s been right in front of it, because now the threat has grown even larger. The implications have grown even darker, since not taking action.
Example: dad allowed mom to be a narcissist in their romantic relationship. It caused anxiety but he rolled with the punches for lack of esteem and attachment issues. Then he stopped noticing. He refused to pay attention to her shitnanigans. The demands grew, so he pacified and looked the other way even harder. Then children were brought into the picture. Oh shit, NOW the implication would be that he allowed this woman to abuse him, then his children. So now he REALLY can’t focus on what’s happening or else…. Fill in the blank. He’s a failure. He’s a weak man. Etc.
Because he didn’t initially ACCEPT what was in the beginning – denoted by his anxiety in the relationship - and make any changes. So the problem snowballed. Gathered others in its tumble. And grew to enormous, world-defining, sizes for the most vulnerable.
I hope you see where I’m going with this.
When we have reality-based anxiety, we need to take action. Which means we need to find acceptance for what’s going on.
It doesn’t help us to stick our heads in the sand and pretend our anxiety has gone away. Even if it WAS off-base, phobic anxiety. We would still need to acknowledge with what’s real, FIRST. And from there we could have endless cognitive and behavioral options available to us. But not before then.
Before we accept conditions, all we can do is 1) have crippling anxiety or 2) avoid the anxiety. Both of which harm us and the people around us.
And, to speak to the nature of acceptance.
… it’s not the same as consent.
In fact, avoidance is the same as consent, isn’t it?
When dad refused to see how mom was bullying her child… that was consenting to her style of parenting; her abuse.
When you’ve mayyyyybe gotten stuck in a bad ship, yourself, and avoided seeing how the person was treating you… that was, for all intents and purposes, consenting to THEIR variety of abuse. No shame. It’s not that you wanted it. But avoiding the truth allowed it. A form of passive consent.
When we’re watching detention camps pop up as private military groups are given billions of dollars in funding and the judicial “ok” to do whatever they want, as far as disappearing people…. And feeling very bad about it while also stating “this can’t be what it seems like” rather than accepting “oh, it is.”… we’re passively consenting.
Acceptance isn’t consent. It isn’t about enthusiasm or verbally stating “this is good, I like this! Keep going!” It’s about acknowledging what’s going on. Breathing past it. Grounding into the core of your self-energy, in the middle of your being. And then asking “okay, so now what?”
Before we do that? There is no path forward.
Only steps sideways, avoiding the issue.
Or steps backwards, wishing the issue wasn’t an issue.
Both actions strand us far away from where we started or where we intended to go.
Imagine a car. It’s headed straight for a wall that shouldn’t be in the middle of the road. That’s weird.
You’re anxious about this obstacle you wish wasn’t there.
You can try to go around the wall, taking a hard right and driving and driving and driving, trying to find the end. Problem is, it never ends if no one is doing anything to dismantle the wall as others are adding bricks. So you drive forever, in the WRONG DIRECTION. Avoiding the wall; not crashing into it. But being led astray by avoiding acceptance of what’s there and the motives of the people behind it.
The wall that needs to be torn down, not driven around.
Alternatively you might see the wall in your way, become anxious, and decide “I don’t want this to be here, maybe if I back up and try again, the wall will disappear.” Back up, the wall seems to disappear. Drive forward, there it is. “But I don’t want this to be here.” And begin backing up again to repeat the process. Getting nowhere. Just spinning wheels.
In both cases? The cars run out of fuel before they make any progress. And everyone on board gets taken for a ride that they didn’t sign up for. Potentially… going veryyyyy far to the right in the process, through passive consent, not intention.
Or simply getting stalled out in the desert, too exhausted to protest the wall.
If, instead, an individual sees the wall. Gets anxious about the looming threat. And then accepts that YEP, THESE ARE MY PERCEPTIONS I’M NOT HAPPY ABOUT THEM, BUT THIS IS DEFINITELY DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME. They can then check in with their intentions – where were they trying to go and why does it matter? And then, finding that their plans and intentions mattered to them while this wall acts as an inhibitory factor, ask, “and what am I going to do about this obstacle in my way?”
They could get out of the car, perhaps? Examine the wall? Look for structural weakness? Also acknowledge the structural strengths? And then confront it from a wise place of intentional action?
Maybe even finding that the wall wasn’t as strong as it appeared at first? That it was more of a plywood façade which wasn’t filled in yet, than a brick building?
And if action is taken at that point… it won’t be nearly as fraught as waiting for all the stones to be laid and the grout to dry.
So the person – the entire road full of people – get to where they were headed in the first place, together, safely.
Thus, I’m saying… acceptance is step one. It leads to using anxiety as a spark of energy to elicit behaviors that HELP. Turning energy into actions that matter. Instead of running the tank empty while avoiding reality or backing up and reapproaching it, hoping that something changes on its own.
Again. Go ahead and apply this to any personal relationship, including ones you’ve observed around you.
How many times was the obstacle avoided – driving farrrrrr around it but never getting anywhere – or ignored – driving backwards so the wall gets smaller and less conscious, but ultimately never changes?
And then…. If you want. Apply this same concept and visual to this environ-mental illness all around us.
A stimulatory overwhelm and lack of acceptance of the upsetting information within, leading to the sustained existence, strengthening, and lengthening of…. “the wall.” As it’s passively allowed to continue to exist.
Note: I chose not to use a cliff for this metaphor. You’re welcome. But perhaps… that’s more apt. Revisualize as necessary.
Just like fear…
Anxiety isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
But we have to use it wisely.
First, accept that it exists.
Then, check for validity in real life.
From there, action is possible.
Let’s round out this episode with a brief dip into the lit.
Systematic Review of Acceptance and Commitment Training Components in the Behavioral Intervention of Individuals with Autism and Developmental Disorders
Victoria D Suarez 1, Emma I Moon 2, Adel C Najdowski
2021
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a contemporary approach to dealing with unhelpful private events and improving psychological flexibility.
(my words: which allows for behavioral flexibility – appropriate responsive action and adaptation we might call it)
ACT includes six major therapeutic processes identified to contribute to psychological flexibility:
(a) present moment attention/mindfulness,
(b) values clarification,
(c) committed action,
(d) self-as-context,
(e) defusion, and
(f) acceptance (Hayes et al., 2006).
Present moment attention/mindfulness teaches individuals to notice what is happening right here, right now, in a nonjudgmental way, instead of ruminating about the past or worrying about the future.
Values clarification exercises are used to help individuals identify what matters most to them in their lives, which leads to the identification of values-based
committed actions one can take to move themselves closer toward the direction of engaging in behaviors in line with their values.
Self-as-context exercises attempt to loosen the control of one’s self-image in a way that will enable the individual to engage in committed action. For example, one might follow rigid rules about themselves, such as “I am shy, so I cannot engage in public speaking.”
Defusion involves teaching an individual to disentangle themselves from their thoughts by having them relate to or interact differently with them. That is, one is taught to look at instead of from their thoughts.
Acceptance exercises teach individuals that painful emotions are a normal part of the human experience and to be willing to feel them (rather than attempting to avoid them) if and when they arise while engaging in committed actions toward one’s values (Luoma et al., 2017).
Hey, sounds like everything we do on this show. Almost like it’s been purposeful, especially from the choose your own spookventure, forward.
- Observe neutrally what’s happening. This is getting into the present moment. Check the NVC collection for help.
- Know who you are and what you actually believe in. What you’ll fight for. This is your values clarification. Check the Misalignments spookventure entry.
- Decide what you’re willing to do in that fight. What, realistically, you have fuel for, coming from the fire in your belly. This is committed action. Check the motivation collection and that same misalignments post.
- Know who you are, genuinely, and how that leads to your positive-experience-reinforcing worldly actions. Not what you do as performance art to earn acceptance. This is Self-as-context. Use the ABA for Recovery and choose your own spookventure series.
- Challenge any VERBAL THOUGHTS or subtle stomach-turning sensations you might have around these ideas of taking action. Looking for the assumption contained within and challenging its validity. This is defusion. Check the Limiting self-beliefs series.
- Recognize the conditions that are valid and the ones that are psychologically valid, but less materially solid. Feel how you feel. Then, find fire on the other side. YES, THIS IS REAL… and this other thing (a self-limiting belief) is less real, but it causes real suffering… and how are these points related? How is overwhelm or anxiety contributing to a sense of helplessness or a deep seated belief that you’re powerless against opposition? And what CAN you realistically do, even though it will be discomfortable at first, to affect change? This is acceptance, through committed action. Even when both feel bad.
THIS is acceptance commitment therapy.
THIS is how a person navigates a life that hasn’t been blessed by fortune.
Or fair systems.
Or hopeful thoughts of ease becoming reflected in material reality.
For help with this… listen to anything I’ve said for five years, which has been an upstream swim on a public stage… but especially in 2025. And we’re here to talk about it unambiguously now.
Yes. There are big, unpleasant, unfixable emotions happening.
Because yes, there are traumatizing events unfolding. And poking into OLD traumatizing events on personal levels.
And no, it’s not going to get better. Not even if we all pray extra hard. Or post about it extra aggressively. Or bicker with our neighbors and family members and social leeches extra vehemently.
Integrate what we know: all of these are pointless distractions that FEEL like actions.
With what we believe: (sorry, I have to assume that if you’re here, you also believe) people deserve basic rights, humane qualities of life, freedom, voices, autonomy, safety, resources to be alive… without any racial, religious, wealth, sexual, or gendered qualifications.
And integrate THAT with what we SEE IS HAPPENING: all of that is being taken away. Not only for “others” but that means also for ourselves. The collective of humanity.
With what we can do about it.
There are things we can do about it.
If you ever feel like you only have 1-2 options, you are in a trauma brain mode of thinking. Hot tip.
So if we choose to accept….
Then what can we do about it?
Start locally. Who do you know who feels the same way in your immediate sphere?
Form a group. Even if it’s two of you.
Choose a place to meet.
Meet consistently. Same time, every week. Get a routine established so it can be joined without needing to post about it.
Invite other locals. What coworkers and neighbors seem on board? Bring them in.
Start talking.
Start accepting, TOGETHER.
Not emoting about what you wish WAS happening. And how unfair things MIGHT be. But going through the six steps of acceptance commitment.
(a) present moment attention/mindfulness,
(b) values clarification,
(c) committed action,
(d) self-as-context,
(e) defusion, and
(f) acceptance of accountability for action.
First there will be feelings. No doubt.
But together, we can process and mobilize more effectively than alone.
Decide what can be done using those emotions as motivation. Realizing that you aren’t the only one. The weight isn’t all on your shoulders. And finding sustenance in that knowledge.
If that’s joining up with larger groups? That’s awesome. Find an activist organization that’s already up and running or protests to join with. As an established community, you’ll have more support to go – together – rather than jumping in alone.
And also, it’s not useless, at all to stay separate and do what’s possible locally. Pool resources to help others in the community. Pull in local lawyers and paralegals to get systemized ideas for fighting legally or responding to police oppression in the wisest ways. Talk to computer and tech nerds to learn how to protect yourselves from surveillance and/or cripple the machine with acts of techgression that matter.
And. Most importantly of all?
Just. Keep. Meeting. Consistently. Without your phones.
So this community GROWS. So MORE people can feel less alone. So this becomes a safehaven for dissenting opinions and stays that way. Without requiring social media or other surveillance-threats to make it happen.
Become a cornerstone of the resistance – not necessarily by broadcasting it to the world, but by become a safe nook of your local world.
We need to prevent burnout, demoralization, defeat, and the passive consent that they all birth.
We’re in this for a long haul. Be that the next several years or longer. Establish actionable control centers now, through nothing more than talking to people in real life and creating community with routine gathering.
Start finding power in numbers. Even if that’s “simply” emotional power.
This is what we’re lacking in 2025. Real human connection. Eye contact. Skin contact. Sharing the same air. Things that biologically demonstrate to a brain “you’re not alone,” in a way that screens cannot.
This is the best place to start.
Not perfect.
Not showy.
Not earning viral likes.
Communication, community, and consistency are our greatest tools.
And figure… These sources of fear and anxiety and oppression we’re up against have them, in the forms of; unwavering aggression, disinformation, psychological manipulation, cult-thinking, and corruption.
Which causes us to have inconsistency. Discontinuity in our thinking and ability to respond.
When we need to have similar consistent, integrated, action, instead.
Something only achievable through… say it with me…
Acceptance.
The opposite of passive consent, known as avoidance.
Don’t let anxiety consume you or convince you to look away.
Accept what’s real. You can SENSE what that is, even when being served conflicting stories.
Use your guts as reference when your mind feels unsure.
And use your values to guide your actions.
Then commit to them.
Consistently.
Together.
And that’s what felt most important to say… truly a week ago, but I didn’t have the internet data to do it.
Hail getting back on track.
Hail yourself.
Hail what we can do once we accept and commit. Especially as a crew.
And cheers y’all.
Run through the acceptance checklist when in doubt… and don’t forget to make eye contact today.
With love,
An angry motherfucker.