All right, fuckers. Hello. And I'm going to do my very best here. After a fittingly timed delay mandated by this illness, do as I say, not as it is sometimes impossible for me to do. And make sure you take care of yourself right now. We are that.
coming near the conclusion of our choose your own adventure of self and the next thing that you might find inside yourself that pulls you away from you as you try to spend time with that beautiful beast might be asking consciously or unconsciously, automatically, compulsively, over and over again, what's next?
What's the next thing that I need to be doing or preparing for or fixing? What's next? What's next? What's next? What's next? A huge obstacle to spending time with us, noticing that we exist and dealing with any of our authentic issues is the fact that we've been so thoroughly trained to seek and amend external problems.
that we really struggle to knock it off, to give ourselves the stop signal to deal with our own issues. So let's talk about all the ways and all the reasons for those behaviors, starting with a little multiple choice quiz. Choose all options that pertain to you. What is the basis of your what's next? A.
An unconscious inner drive to never have your emotions or memories rail you. B, early relationship patterning that taught you it is incorrect to ever pause, rest, or relax. C, modern relationship patterning that has you constantly attentive and fixing. D, work and or societal pressures.
Jess (02:27.649)
to always be on, performing, ready and responsive. E, a plain old stimulation addiction. The brain relies on what's next in order to exist. F, a generalized sense of safety brought about by always being busy on top of things, doing. G,
literally any combination of these things, which probably support each other in a rather clusterfucky fashion that feels so convincing and logical and penetrating that you can't make heads or tails of the pattern to help yourself slow down. Well, let's talk about each one of these options so you can gauge your emotional reactions.
and start to see how they might contribute to what's next behaviors. Then we'll talk about some reprogramming actions that you can take, which will help to reveal even more of your psychological connections to the what's next. So first of all, option A, emotional recollective and reality avoidance.
We can say that the what's next patterning is a method of disassociating. It's jumping into the brain rather than being with the being, rather than being with the body and the feelings as a form of comfort and relief. Like sharks, if we stop moving, many of us fear that we will drown. The feelings will get us.
the bad memories, the reckoning with self and circumstance. But when we're focused, when we're engaged with new information, when we're active, our brains can ignore a great deal of their shit. If they stop, all the bugs start crawling out. So we can never let ourselves stop. But, you know, not overtly.
Jess (04:50.069)
realize that most of us aren't doing this on purpose consciously. We've learned that behaviorally, experientially, we just feel better if we stay active in the mind and or body. Like any animal, we just do what feels best, and we do it naturally, organically, without giving it a ton of thought. Until it is habitual, and we cannot stop swimming.
And then, we often have mentalistic justifications and judgments that will spring up later to explain our experience of self-avoidance. Like, what feelings? I just don't have them. Memories? Why do you waste your time on that? The past is the past. Rethinking my recent actions? Who has the spare energy?
just keep moving forward. As long as we can rationalize it or find value in it, we will repeat the behavior and that certainly applies in this case. We can call option A, A for avoidance, avoidance of pain and ignorance of self-experience, the outrunning or out-swimming strategy, which I think you'll find.
exists on its own and also tandem with the rest of the choices in this quiz. Next option, B, the people you were raised by taught you to what's next yourself. When you grow up around people who never let you rest, you must be demonstrating your care for them or your gratitude or responsibility.
or corporate correctedness as a human at all times. If idle hands were the devil's playthings in your clan, if you were exposed to people who burst into a room to punish you for rusting, maybe they did it constantly or maybe without predictability. Sometimes it was okay to take a load off. Sometimes it was the start of a war.
Jess (07:17.093)
Or, contradictorily, if you were raised by people who never really did a goddamn thing, who lived in learned helplessness and freeze states, and you learned, one, that you had to take care of everything yourself, and two, that their behaviors did not help their forever flailing lives. Well, either of these conditions can teach a brain.
to never do that thing. Never rest. Never take a load off. Never relax. Then you will never be at risk. Never be caught misbehaving or being worthless. You will never drop any ball and never receive any negative consequences. Just keep doing and you will be safe, the brain screams.
Don't let anyone who can pass judgment observe you having a low moment or failing to predict a thing or failing to do it. And you'll be okay. What's next? What's next? What's next? What's next? So we can call this one option B, the aftermath of either highly negligent or up your butt, abusive, potentially militant, perfectionistic and
rather narcissistically driven, childhoods. Which is now an introjected perpetrator living in one's head, screaming, what's next, maggot? Your flaws are showing. From that early terror, it feels mandatory to always be on the lookout, always be in motion. Bringing us to option C.
This patterning can also be echoed or imparted from our modern day relationships. Is your relational partner or member of your routine social comrade a go-getter? Someone who influences you to never take off your shoes, even when those dogs be barking. Maybe they have non-stop motivation and they never stop.
Jess (09:41.677)
So either can you. Or is your relational partner or regular social associate insistent that you should be perpetually on your game, doing shit, thinking ahead and taking care of business in order to care for them? Whether they're doing the same, devoting their time and attention to you or not.
Either of these conditions can inspire a brain to get so caught up in maintaining a social homeostasis, a state of peace, or a sense of alignment between the behaviors of two beings, or a martyrdom pattern of caregiving, that it stops considering anything else. The mind becomes obsessed what
do they want from me? What do I need to be doing? How can I match them where they are at? Or what do I need to be doing to offset their constant problems, which tend to become our constant problems? What's next? What's next? What's next? What's next? So we can label this option C, which we called new relationship patterning, the more appropriate terms of
anxious attachment, codependent functioning, energy matching a la enmeshment, vampiric care sucking, or fawning and abuse, depending on how much of this is voluntary versus forced. All of these relational factors can teach us to shark life ourselves so that peace and rest don't even exist.
even though that's what we're trying to constantly co-create. And that brings us to... D. Work, Capitalism, and Societal Programming. Especially those in and influenced by the boomer mentality. Well, you know the fucking phrases. Bootstraps, elevation, and etc.
Jess (12:06.751)
If you've got time to lean, you got time to clean. Hustle culture for life. The early bird, afternoon bird, and evening bird catches the worm. There's no time like the present. Yeah, society says, never stop asking what you can do for your country, company, and corporate overlords. And if you get caught sitting, you'd better be shitting your pants in fear.
P.S. You're worthless and you deserve to starve. So what have you accomplished today? Have you been productive at all moments? And how does this demonstrate loyalty to the greater good? Being your boss's vacation, stock shares, and company quarterly gains. And remember,
You're literally never off the clock because work now lives in your pocket. You missed that email. You didn't respond to that zoom invite at 9pm. Why weren't you thinking about what was next? Other people really love it when you abide by the what's next pattern of existing all the time in the office and then also take it home with you.
because then they don't have to. Because then time becomes your boss and taskmaster, each moment a reminder of what you need to be doing. So every traditional job that you've probably ever had has most likely been framed by the what's next. We can call this one
Option D, institutional, organized, and capitalistic abuse that we've been surrounded by to such an extent that we really don't even recognize it as being completely unnecessary, illusionary, counter-biological, and man-made. It's not a real part of life at all. And all of this, again, has become introjected.
Jess (14:30.921)
so that we hold ourselves to these impossible abusive expectations. We reinforce and punish our own behaviors, our own selves, based on how society has trained and treated us. Which, keep in mind, started before we started working. Why do you think the eight-hour school day was designed
for us? What do you think it's preparing us for? Finish one subject, on to the next. Finish one assignment, on to the next. Is it time to go home? Yes, to do more work. What's next? What's next? What's next? Anyways, I'll hold the rest of my cultural conspiracy stories to myself and let's move on to option E. Pure and simple.
stimulation addiction. Hey, we actually don't need other people to teach us to what's next ourselves. Because thanks to technology and the immersion in global events that it inspires, our brains are now in the last 15 years programmed to expect that there will always be a new external thing.
to put our attention on. There is always something to do. There is always a what's next. And due to the state of the earth, that thing seems crucial to know about or engage with right now. Even if you're not at work, you're at work. Even if you're alone,
You are not alone. Even if you're relaxing, here's a notification. No, you're fucking not. You don't even have to go looking for stimulation. It will come to you. There is always a person who is wondering what we're up to and expecting results. There's always a piece of news to call a friend about or comment on. There's always a post.
Jess (16:53.525)
that must be made, viewed, shared, or reacted to. You know by now, this is not news. Technology is breaking our brains. And one of the ways it's doing it is, what's next, what's next, what's next, what's next. And also, let's take just a quick slow down, a little micro pause to set
this reality aside and hop into another one. Take a slow breath here. Prepare to hear something that could spark some self judgment, but just try to hear it and reflect on it later and use it as neutral information.
Without all of this stimulation drip fed every few minutes or hours, a human thinker doesn't recognize that it is alive anymore. Where is the news? Where is the emotional trigger? The feeling of being alive, of almost dying? Because many of us get it from our screens, not from our realities.
And furthermore, a brain says, without my screen telling me what's going on, what's next all the time, where's the confirmation that people can see me, that I am a person in this network of individuals? Where is the indication that my life is happening? Am I even here? Does anyone know that I exist?
do I? A head gets freaked out when it thinks it may have slipped into oblivion because no one is pinging it, no one is validating it, and it's not chronically outraged or terrified in the ways that it has become accustomed. Again, via screens, not so much real life. And yeah, all things considered, that's a pretty potent reason to find yourself unconsciously reaching for a phone.
Jess (19:11.603)
asking, what is next? What is happening? So we can call this source of what's next patterning, stimulation addiction or dependency. But really it's dopamine drips gathered from an external source, both for distraction and for confirmation that a brain is alive.
It is also often akin to attentional issues, a la ADHD. Again, there's always something to look at or do. And this one can also be chalked up to validation from others. When self-validation doesn't make an impact coming from one's own being, well, we get stuck in behavioral patterns of seeking it.
constantly, outwardly, how can I be seen and rated next? This brings us to option E, a general sense of safety obtained from the what's next pattern of living. Figure what's really scary and disempowering, sitting, pausing, waiting, accepting how things are.
and being open to new developments without strong arming them. Receiving. What seems to be a more active, controlled, and empowered way to live? Action, assessment, move-making, outward expression of one's will, predicting, strategizing, executing, right? Trauma says, don't wait to find out what horrific destructive event is.
What's next? What's next? What's next? What's next? Instead, create what's next or try to prevent what's next by doing a thing. And then uncertainty will never get you. You will never be caught off your guard. You will never be a sucker. You will never be to blame for your misfortunes. You can control the world and escape your fate.
Jess (21:33.439)
If you just never stop thinking and moving, which is untrue and exhausts us and exhaust the people around us and usually leads to abusing them because we are abusing ourselves. So let's jump the shark and say option E, a general sense of safety via what's next to behaving is actually well,
All of these below problems. Intolerance of uncertainty, hypervigilance, anxiety, obsessive thought, and or control issues, generally all in response to prior trauma. All of which suggest a mental time orientation towards the future rather than being in the present.
It suggests a brain that is never here, but instead lives slightly ahead of reality. Because in the aftermath of trauma, a brain might start to really believe that it can outthink and out behave negative events. That it can move faster than time itself. It cannot. And sometimes it tries to accomplish this impossible goal.
also with superstitious means, just to boost its chances. For instance, you might find that you unconsciously believe it is the very act of staying productive or obsessively thinking that keeps you safe, not what you accomplish through those actions. And that's where option G, which is some custom mixture of options A through F,
can often be found. Why are you doing this thing? Orienting towards what's next over and over again. Maybe there's not a reason, but from your core, you feel that it is unquestionably necessary and echoed from many sources. Because perhaps you grew up in a house where you weren't allowed to predictably rest.
Jess (24:00.095)
Then maybe you wound up in relationships with similar people and patterns and expectations. At the same time, it's possible that working and educating yourself hammered home that lesson, always be busy, always be serving. During which it's also possible that your usage and monitoring of screens was amplified, validating to your brain, something is always afoot.
And maybe along the way, you subconsciously notice that to get shit done required abandoning yourself, which actually felt like temporary emotional relief throughout all of the other things that you've been having to do. And so from all of these variables, a brain decides safety is never slowing down.
or releasing outward attention or action. This doubles down on the original beliefs from childhood that resting, releasing one's brain and receiving are dangerous behaviors. So the mind believes wholly through and through via validation time and time again, that comfort and a sense of security and demonstration of personal validity
are all created by thinking and doing and then thinking and doing some more. And in this case, where do you start unraveling these patterns? Options A through F give a lot of material to work with. I suggest starting with the option that we discussed that brought up the most resistance or difficult emotion.
Choose the most triggering thing that we spoke about today, the one that maybe had you memory tripping or mind drifting or feeling frustrated and start there. Delineating how punishments and rewards may have formed your future oriented what's next thinking and behaving. There's always a reason for our behaviors. So how were you conditioned?
Jess (26:23.607)
to be externally motivated in a super vigilant fashion. And how did the brain construct a grander narrative about the necessity of these behaviors, perhaps based on additional punishment and rewards delivered from new sources or news sources? Remember the Common Collective's implicit
influence on all of this. Do not stray away from asking, why do I believe this? And looking for societal pressurization answers, especially post pandemic when they have been extra potent. At the same time, I do recommend that you try to break this pattern, which in and of itself will bring up a lot of important psychological information
that you can use to further work on your wounds and resulting behavioral outcomes. So to start breaking the what's next pattern, it's so simple. It's gonna make you mad and you won't wanna do it. You just insert pauses. You delay what is next in order to sit with yourself, re-regulate your nervous system.
and then expand the delay little by little until you get the pattern under control as you prove to yourself that you will not implode. So to break this down step by step, first you determine what your current tolerance is for finishing a task and then taking a breather. Then you add a few seconds onto it. So.
Can you sit without planning, strategizing, worrying, or implementing for 30 seconds? How about a minute? How about two? Do some tests, find out, determine what your current capacity is, at what point you'll lose control, and jump into what's next thinking or behaving. And then set a timer for just a few seconds over that time frame.
Jess (28:49.183)
If your tolerance is 30 seconds, sit for 33. If it's 60, try 66. If it's 10 goddamn seconds, wonderful. Try 12. Wherever you're starting from is great. It's just data to use. If you have a favorite digit or a number that feels right, awesome. Start there. Maybe it's aligned for you. Set a timer.
and try to maintain a state of peace and calm, of present-mindedness, of emotional awareness for that amount of time. And then, pick a safe, not too pressurey day to do this. You're going to set your intention and you're going to commit to giving it a try in between all of your tasks. Finish grocery shopping.
set your timer and sit in the car for two minutes and eight seconds before you move on. Answer all your emails, close your browser, set your timer, do it again. You walk the dog, awesome. Come inside, hit the start button, do it again. Have a talk with your partner, yeah, you get it. Go to your space, get out the clock function, fucking do it again. If you catch yourself,
future tripping or planning or worrying about what's next during your timed delay session. It's okay. Just course correct. Congratulate yourself for noticing that your attention slipped. Then you might say something like, forget what's next. What's now? Right? You might name 10 things in your environment if that helps you.
You might come up with a short gratitude list for the moment, or you could do a bodily scan searching for tension through all your muscles. Whatever healthy habit you can use to redirect your brain to for re-centering and re-grounding into that moment instead of what's next, use it.
Jess (31:13.621)
You might be catching on that this is a great time to combine any anti-dissociation goals from last episode with breaking your what's next patterning in this episode. And you just stay with the timer. Don't turn this into a punishment. Don't reset the timer if you have a slip up. Don't make this torturous. Just do your best.
If you pull it back and maintain the pause, even after your mind went elsewhere, you still win. And maybe try to seal in that message. Maybe give yourself a reward at the end or during the pause itself. You might suck on a hard candy that you enjoy while the timer runs out. That sort of thing. And
as you do this. You will find out that not doing work is the greatest work. You will find out what your reasons for the what's next patterning have been. Memories and rogue thoughts will intrude on your paws. You'll feel like you're back in the childhood home or that abusive office or that demanding relationship. Your feelings and fears might start closing in.
your anxiety might start screaming, your fingers may start tingling, hankering for stimulation. Whatever part of you that believes you must keep swimming, must keep looking, thinking, doing. It will be thrashing violently. Be ready for that. And it will tell you through mental images and voices of other people and behavioral compulsions,
and feelings of fear, who or what taught you that continual effort and attention is the means to safety?
Jess (33:23.827)
And then you take this information to therapy. Compare it against your real authentic beliefs and values per the misalignment episode. Question, do you believe that it is correct and required for any living thing to perpetually run on a wheel or to be frightened and future planning without relief ever?
Or is this something that was pushed upon you? Is this something that has just become a sticky pattern that you hold yourself to unconsciously? Decide and then align. Behave in congruence with your values and find out what happens. Hint again, you will have a much more holistic, fulfilled, balanced and intentional life with much less
degrading, debilitating tension. And on that note, lastly, let me just say one more reason that we can be so inspired by multiple sources to execute and rely upon this never stop behavioral pattern is because all of these sources represent or require or work as stand-ins for unmet needs.
Many of us seek states of continual hunting and doing, not because we really need to be on our shit, their shit, and the company's shit 24-7, though it convincingly feels otherwise. But actually, we do it as a stand-in for our real needs, which we're ignoring because they are so painful to have unfulfilled.
and because we've not been equipped to fulfill them healthily. So, for instance, if lacking a sense of safety and worth, things that are difficult to create and maintain, we can instead keep looking and engaging and accomplishing and relying on satiating other needs, like those of effectiveness and control or efficiency and
Jess (35:49.843)
learning. And then we won't notice that we're alone and unsupported. We're focusing on something else. We're working towards something else. And we will feel somewhat okay about ourselves if we are filling some lesser but more obtainable need by doing it. So if you are always thinking and doing
but never finding any real results from those behaviors. I urge you to ask yourself, what needs are you trying to satiate or distract yourself from? And it's been a while since we went through it and I can never share it enough. Here is a list of those human needs. Hear me, human requirements, not desires.
to really contemplate. Let's go through them real quick. Connection, where we find acceptance, affection, clarity, communication, confirmation, compassion, intimacy, understanding, authenticity, love. Autonomy, where we have choice, space, and spontaneity. Peace, where we have beauty,
Ease, Harmony, Order, and Wholeness. Interconnection, which features Belonging, Consideration, Community, Cooperation, Dignity, Mutuality, Support, and Trust. Meaning, which has Contribution, Creativity, Hope, Inspiration, and Purpose. Celebration, including Joy, Mourning,
and play. Competence, which has effectiveness, efficacy, growth, learning, and power. Honesty, which features authenticity and integrity. And finally, basic survival, which is shelter, food, water, rest, safety, security, and touch.
Jess (38:14.039)
So, consider if selling yourself short, putting yourself last, or depriving yourself of any of these real human needs, these crucial life requirements, is one of the main or one of the many motivators for externalized hyper-vigilant seeking and acting.
It's a truth that you can get into contact with possibly through sitting with your sad and other big emotions, if you remember them from a few shows ago. Things which you've also quite possibly been trying to avoid through those same motherfucking goddamn habitual, sometimes logical, always convincing,
always validated by others, patterns of continual, nonstop, hecka-vigilant, utterly convincing, what's next?
Ironically, next up will be our final stop on our choose your own self spook venture, where we will discuss fear, fear of self and fear of being seen as that self. I'll see you there, if you dare. And until then, don't ask what's next. Ask what's now.
and set your pause timer to stay with you, your goddamn fucking self. The greatest challenge of our externally driven, always stimulating, end stage capitalistic, traumatized lives. Until we learn to set our own tempo. Talk to you soon. Cheers, y'all. Bye-bye.
