keywords
PTSD, trauma recovery, self-help, mindfulness, emotional self-care, relationships, nature, community, coping strategies, mental health
summary
In this conversation, Jess shares her personal journey and insights on PTSD prevention and recovery following trauma from wildfires. She discusses various self-help techniques, emphasizing the importance of mindfulness, emotional self-care, and building healthy relationships. Jess provides practical strategies for coping with trauma, including engaging with nature, setting boundaries, and reframing trauma as a catalyst for positive change. Her approach is grounded in personal experience and aims to empower listeners to take actionable steps towards healing and self-discovery.
- PTSD prevention often depends on individual circumstances and support systems.
- Self-help strategies can be accessible to anyone, regardless of their situation.
- Mindfulness practices, such as reading and engaging with nature, can aid recovery.
- Physical self-care, including therapy and exercise, is crucial for healing.
- Setting boundaries in relationships can significantly improve mental health.
- Engaging with strangers can help build a supportive community.
- Reframing trauma as a catalyst for change can lead to personal growth.
- Daily routines and small actions can have a profound impact on mental well-being.
- Listening to one's body and emotions is essential for recovery.
- Finding purpose in small acts of service can enhance feelings of connection and self-worth.
We’re finally here.
My self-absorptive entry on PTSD prevention, where I tell you the specific things I’ve been up to post-trauma (post-wildfire) which (SO FAR) seem to be serving me well.
I’m putting out this episode because many of the PTSD preventers we’ve discussed have come down to “you were born into the right situation or you weren’t.” Did you win the PTSD lotto by birthright or not so much? Around here, the answer is usually “no.” We have prior histories of PTSD, our families are ajank, etc.
And. The ways we can help ourselves, per the common narrative in the literature, have been somewhat privilege bound, too.
To get any therapy, for instance… First you have to find out what your insurance will cover, find room in your budget, find a provider, find a time to schedule it.
And, if you don’t have the privilege of support, you’ll also need to find your way there, find the courage to make the drive and enter the office, find the words to express the experience, find out if the professional is a good match without taking it as personal failure…
All are behaviors with a steep climb. Life conditions we’ve been lacking, which are stressful, themselves. Reasons we DON’T get the care we need.
We’re going to cut out those barriers and talk through things essentially anyone can do to help themselves, also lowering the cognitive climb after a trauma, when you’re not always brimming with “best thoughts.” Every recovery is individualized. But sometimes ideas are helpful.
SO. Here’s what you can also do to help yourself, if you’re also not gripping a silver spoon, and they can be done at all time points surrounding a trauma. I think you’ll be pleased by a wide variety of suggestions, not the ones you always hear.
But I am starting basic with this first point.
- Turn off TV. Replacement behavior: Read.
After a trauma we need to be present, without creating a worse narrative or expanding on our triggerings. TV and streaming aren’t going to help with any of that. Luckily, I didn’t have the option, since I didn’t have the internet for a beat. And also, I naturally didn’t WANT IT. It isn’t restful. It isn’t attention sustaining. It puts me in a bad, bored, mood where I’m most likely ACTUALLY engaged in the behavior of eating, as if it’s a marathon race I’m not present for. But if you desire to be somewhere else for a little relief? SAME! There are books for that. I suggest you go for an otherworldly novel. Get away for a few hours without brain rot. I know, “I can’t concentrate when I try.” Right. When you’re reading but not really reading? You’re getting a glimpse into your subconscious. What are you REALLY thinking about? You’ll find out. Then you can address those unconscious concerns. Which I find happens automatically as I continue trying to read, and my mind keeps spitting out its proof of processing, instead. Often this is when I have thought-connecting epiphanies. But at the least, it’s laying the groundwork for healing what’s ailing you by bringing it into light, for later thinking. Keep a notepad nearby when you read, it’ll help empty your noggin of what you normally can’t look at directly.
- Spider solitaire as a routine point
I ain’t no saint. I, too, have a phone and wandering fingers. I stay off the news and socials, but the thing that I HAVE allowed myself to do for distraction has been…. spider solitaire. On a schedule. Here’s why I like it: It’s difficult. It makes a brain work. And to win, you usually have to persist through many stages of clearly losing. It’s a nonlinear process to become victorious. You have to make moves that seem counterintuitive. Everything becomes SUCH A MESS, with so many stacks of unmatching cards, that all hope feels lost… and then, it gets SO BAD that there’s no option except for it to start working out. The cards you need HAVE to be there, because there’s no other place for them to be. And suddenly, the disaster falls into place. And you win. Or, at least make progress. It’s therapeutic. It’s a lesson about life. (Keep going even when it appears fucked.) And. TMI bonus here. I make sure that I play spider solitaire every single day… while I poop. I have a 170-some-day winning streak going, tracked in the app. It’s a way that I keep tabs on myself, to make sure I’m staying associated every day. “Did I win my spider solitaire of the day? No? I need to slow down and process something, because I broke my check-in routine for some reason which suggests my mind was not online.”
- Canva “paint”
Without a paid account you can fuck around with creating so many things on Canva. You can make intricate and beautiful digital designs, of essentially anything that’s floating around in your head. You like koi ponds? Make a koi pond. You like combinations of space galaxies, whales, planets, florals, stars, and grizzly bears? Slip into that dimension. It’s a nice way to express yourself with very limited input or artistry or equipment necessary.
- Micro pics
OR. Do the thing I love the most and get mossy. When having a weird day, I seek tiny scenes to take pictures of. Up close shots of tiny plants, animals, rocks. Why? Because they force you to get into strange postures to get the shot you seek. Then you have to control your nervous system to snap it. You have to stabilize from the core, steady your breath, and mindfully hit that button. I always feel more in-myself and calmed after a microphoto session on a wandery walk. AND it reminds me of what I normally don’t see in states of stress. Which inspires me to take more compassionate mindsets and actions.
- Lay. On. Floor
In the beginning, while the fires were still popping up all around, I just parked it on the fucking floor, like, half of the hours of every day. On a rug, spread eagle, staring at the ceiling. And breathed. And processed. It feels good to have that hard surface directly under your nerves, proprioception signals telling you that you’re anchored in physical reality. And although the danger wasn’t over yet – it feels good to stop moving after everything has been going so quickly and chaotically. Signaling to your body “hey, this shit is OVER, we’re holding still now because we can.” Your nervous system will be pleased. It will cut down on hypervigilance NOT to be propping yourself up, attempting to stay busy, looking for things to do. It will enable some emotions to start flowing: oh, how I cried in a restorative and releasing way. And you can add a little of this, when you’re ready:
- Wandering and exploring
To speak to cognitive reappraisal… Want to help your brain think differently when it’s getting stuck in cyclical, obsessive, or just rutted patterns? Go somewhere new. And, bonus points if you’re not sure where you’re going before you set out getting there. Explore new areas, it will change your mind. And also, if possible, I find it useful to take nonlinear paths. I know this isn’t for everyone, but I’ve been wandering around, charting my own course in the woods, exploring whatever there is to be found, instead of putting miles into the same trails repeatedly. You think differently – you have trouble maintaining the same inner patterns – you encounter new stimulatory events that bring up interesting internal contents. And, bonus, you move more slowly. Having to navigate, watch for obstacles, pick up your feet, and move your weight in novel ways, engaging different muscles, seeing new views, will help anchor you to what’s happening, RIGHT THEN, in your brain AND body.
- Barefoot. The poor-version.
As long as you’re exploring new grounds? I found it useful to do so with limited footwear. As in… no, not “grounding,” as we’ve recently discussed. But, instead, the only shoes I had were getting horribly worn out in the bottoms, allowing the enlivening sensations of the earth to be felt undertoe. Not only did this encourage slow movement – better be careful, every rock and stick are now potential stabbing events - but it was also a pleasant somatic sensation to focus on creating with each step. Additionally, as someone who tends to live above the waist (a woman with trauma) I found that navigating slippery rocks and sandy shores forced barefootedness, which forced even visual recognition of those legs and feet existing. Which helped to bring my energy down to my piggies which I don’t normally experience.
- Heating pad, TENS, physical therapy
Along with yoging, one of the massive alterations I’ve made to my bodily care is finally seeking physical therapy for my broken back, hips, and knees. It began with so much heating pad. Hours of it, while doing that floor laying. THEN, new care began thanks to the fire bringing up new conversations. I found out about an alternative pain treatment option in the area that wasn’t “here’s a pain pill.” It’s an EMS (electrical muscle stimulation) place. They assess you for misalignments, listen to your pain complaints, and then stick electrodes to muscle pathways and stimulate them. The current is similar to your body’s own electrical system, so it makes your muscles contract directly. Does it feel awful? YEAH! But not as awful as living with it for four years. So, I invested in four sessions of this in the clinic ($40 a session) and also bought a little at-home TENS pocket machine ($35 for the unit). Between the two, and the yoga… my body 95% works again. BONUS: that electrical current interacts nicely with the nervous system. It releases endorphins and brings you into a parasympathetic state. Eventually. You learn to love the pain and use it for meditative and embodiment purposes.
- Uni-task eating
Most of the time when I’m eating, I’m also….? Working, listening to podcasts, researching, pacing around, taking care of Marcus, creating lists, etc. I don’t even notice what is entering the straw of my body. Instead, I decided to sit. (or stand). In my kitchen. And eat my fucking food. Partially because I forgot to eat for about a week and needed to make sure it happened again, despite hypervigilance distractions. Partially because it’s a way to FEEL the care that comes through what you choose to chomp on, rather than disassociating away from those wildly expensive-from-inflation bites of nourishment.
- Cut coffee / stimulants / depressants / disassociatives – add replacements
Lately there have been less substances in my life than ever, across the board. Starting with coffee. Caffeine is a disassociative and it’s capitalism juice. It’s not going to help be present or in your self, it helps you to complete a task you don’t fucking care about with minimal awareness that you’re doing it. I became a full-decaffer in the last few months. Instant. It kindof rules? Get it at aldi, it’s half the price of anywhere else. When tea or decaf doesn’t do it? Warm or cold lemon water with sea salt. This also helps with hydration. Getting away from caffeine decreases anxiety, increases temperature regulation, and allows you to feel YOUR internal energy, rather than the amped-up state that our work overlords would prefer. Also, I’ve smoked probably 80% less weed in the past few months compared with the last few years. Naturally, haven’t wanted it, or its disassociation encouragement. What I really want from weed is? Freedom from self-policing and creative outcomes. And it rarely, if ever, provides those results. Chilling out near water, doodling, painting, have filled the void. Try the same? Nicotine has been out of my life for two solid years now… it is also a disassociative and a stimulant. If you need the feeling of burn in your lungs? I gotchoo. Nonmedically and off the record I would never suggest: the 3Ms. Marshmallow, mugwart, and mullein. Itch that burning scratch, perhaps, clearing your lungs at the same time. On top of that, if you’re craving the devil’s juice? Try a nonalcoholic seltzer, a kombucha, or that lemon water suggestion. If you’re looking for a release of emotion from the boozeums? Go into nature on a walk, go ham on a canvas, or try floor laying. These are some of the ways you can stay sober, even when your system is significantly upset. Like me! Only leaning on my good old friend, meth, to take the edge off. Just kidding. NO SUBSTANCES. Stay present. And don’t give your system extra stress to deal with.
- Bound texting and bound relationships, in general
Similarly… I had to bound some relationships. Intensely. Starting with realizing that texting was sincerely a drug-like, disass, distracting influence that was making life harder. At first it seemed comforting to have ongoing conversation. Then… I realized that I somehow had been kidnapped in conversation, pulled away from my own care, and sucked into providing daily, ongoing support for THEM. So… I had some hard conversations, asked for more care, accepted that it wasn’t within the capacity of the other party, determined that – partially because of the limitations of who I am - this imbalanced energetic exchange would persist, laid new boundaries, and cut off the post-traumatic texting habit. This was one of the most relieving changes, and causes me to point out again, that “continuous social support” is a super unhealthy suggestion post-trauma or otherwise.
- Stronger contact, with humanity, through stranger chatting
Like I said, I opted out of what was becoming enmeshed communication a few weeks after the fire. They were driving my system in the wrong direction with too-high expectations put on my person, when I needed myself to have energy to perform on my own team. However, with that energetic opening, I’ve made a concerted point to engage more with HUMANS, in general. After the fire I realized I didn’t have social anxiety the way I was experiencing before. Because… when you’re faced with a real threat, I find, that it makes the semi-imagined ones seem stupid. I did not care what anyone thought of me just after evacuating from disaster. And… continuing that, using it as a catalyst for new behavior, I continued the trend of talking to strangers and new neighbors, unabashedly. Don’t need suffocating relationships when you’re chitchatting here and there, seeing yourself reflected in more eyes. It has been expansive and routine-thought altering. It has been community-helpful. It has helped counteract a lot of covert abuse that needed to be cleared from my system.
- Yoga collective
OKAY. HEAR ME OUT. Yes, I famously say that “doing yoga about it” isn’t the fix. AND ALSO… there are undeniably myriad ways that it helps. If you can access what you need in a way that works for you. Enter: the yoga collective. It’s a library of online videos that range from two to sixty minutes, and range from intense aerobics to restorative stretching to guided meditation. There’s no commitment to a class, there’s no social anxiety, there’s no comparative shame, and no travel barriers. What I’ve done… uh… five years ago… is picked an instructor I like – Andrea – and I bounce between her videos when I know I need to do body work or distract myself from a destructive boredom behavior. I start by picking a short video because she targets specific problem areas where I need relief and I know I can commit to ten minutes of it. And by the end, I’m selecting another class. Soon, two hours have gone by and I feel changed. Then I stand up in my own living room. Maybe not to touch the yoga collective for another month or year. And it doesn’t matter. I already got my money’s worth. It costs $4 a month. Post-fire? I don’t know what I would have done without it in those first couple of weeks.
- Need a check? Weather, pets
We all know that trauma births hypervigilance. It’s easy to get stuck in strings of “whatsnexting” or obsessive checking as unconscious behaviors. So, when I noticed that I was itching to open the news app or check for emails or check in with an unhealthy party, instead, I would check the weather. Check the moon. Check my pets. Marcus and my plants. Check the cleanliness of my sink. There really aren’t negatives to staying apprised of the conditions of any of those. They assist with being present, and create a domino effect of finding MORE things in your physical environment to interact with, rather than the screeny opposite.
- Eye scry
And when you’re not sure what to look at for nervous system relaxation? May I recommend staring at the backs of your own eye lids. Scrying, or “seeing deeply,” like they do with tea leaves. Close em. Notice that if you look carefully but not hard, you can see patterns and images swirling around. If you can’t? Keep trying. Maybe you’ll connect with your SUBC and learn something new. Maybe you’ll peer into another dimension and download a guiding message. Maybe you’ll fall asleep. All of which are winning outcomes.
- White noise and silence
In the name of staying present and processing, I had a lot of time with green noise (I use a free app called rain rain, and also sounds that I search on spotify if I’m in the mood for something in particular). And also, none noise. There were many hours and days of pure silence. Except for the birds. The wind. Raindrops. Etc. Cut some stimulation when your brain feels like it just can’t settle down or be calm. It might be too sound stimulated. Add peaceful sounds to mask the upsetting ones, or get rid of the noise altogether. See if it helps.
- DIY relaxation sounds
And when you can’t find exactly what you’re looking for online… make your own noisescapes. That extra I posted here in… March? Chill sounds for an unchill week? I created that because those frogs and waterfalls are MY JAM. And following that recent trauma, I embarrassingly laid down and listened to my own recording several times over. This was especially useful to hijack my biology and bring it to a state of calm. I also have a long-ongoing habit of collecting nature sounds and recordings on my walks and wanders. Sometimes I put them into canva and make them loop. Like custom screensavers and soundscapes that also remind me of where I’ve explored. Zen moment I’ve stumbled upon.
- Constricted breathing, 6/6, squaring
I hate to say it, but breathing was a big part of chilling out. I can recommend one practice that’s impossibly easy and a bit instinctual under stress: constricted breathing, in which you narrow the back of your throat so you can feel and hear the air coming in and out. Like perpetual, purposeful, wheezing. It helps. It’s like sighing, with every breathe, and remembering that you are still moving air. Mine started doing this naturally during and after the fire. Additionally, there’s the good ole’ 6/6 breathe. Six counts in the nose, six counts out the nose is what we’re biologically programmed for, optimally. And squaring the breathe, 4 counts in, hold for 4, 4 counts out, hold for 4, is also a good practice for staying with yourself and slowing down your nerves.
- 2 lines/day
Journaling is helpful… and also daunting at times. “Journal about your trauma” as a nervous system regulation tip is still making me laugh, weeks later. But there’s rarely a day when you can’t find the time or attention span or nerve regulation to write TWO LINES about your day. Which is something I’ve done for five years now. And if you DO notice that you’ve missed an entry… just like spider solitaire… it’s a heads up that something is off-kilter. It’s an easy way to spot dysregulation, while it keeps you attached to your life, and encourages awareness of time passing, day by day. Don’t think you’ll get through this one? Hey, you felt the same last Wednesday and now it’s nothing but a quick note in your journal, proving you survived and life moves on.
- Lists
And lists… are a great way to keep your brain clear when you have too much going on. After the fire, moving about 4 times, and trying to get myself back in working order, my attention immediately had to shift to… taxes for 2025, a 2022 tax amendment that had to be printed and mailed, getting back to several varieties of work, cleaning, figuring out where to live next, getting internet, getting propane, getting groceries, replacing the wiper seals on MRV, officially breaking up with my mother, and on and on and on. To stay sane and figure out a reasonable 1-3 things to focus on each day? Lists. A long master list of alllllll of the things I knew about that needed to be done. And then I would break that list down into bite sized chunks of 1-3 points that I ACTUALLY focused on each day, instead of the overwhelming master copy. And oh, how satisfying it is to cross those items off the daily AND bigdaddy to-dos, seeing evidence of your progress while building safe structure.
- Change exercise; type, time, duration, intensity, motives
Since I was overhauling the care I paid to my aching body, I also decided to change the way I approached exercise. In the past, I’ll be honest, exercise has been a part of a lifelong appearance disorder. The focus has often been on needing to burn a certain number of calories, now how I feel. I decided to change that. My hiking, walking, running have gone down considerably. My stretching and strength-building has gone way up. The composition of my meat has changed considerably, alongside the EMS and TENS therapies. And I’ve been adding in all-new behaviors, too. Like swimming. Paddling. Switching from monotonous earth-activities to variable water ones. Which is also stretching my bravery and nervous system into new territories, opening up new worlds of thoughts and feelings. If there’s a thing you ALWAYS do that has limited returns… or appears as a dreadful to-do on your daily task list that no longer has any positive emotional returns… maybe take the chance to get re-embodied in a novel way as long as your schedule is upset. It’s been an embodiment and experiencing superforce.
- “every other” scheduling
In the same vein, I started using “every other” scheduling. As in, whatever I did today… I cannot do tomorrow. But I can return to it the day after. If I researched all day Tuesday, I wouldn’t do that work on Wednesday. Wrote all day Thursday, can’t hit the keyboard again until Saturday. This also helped break up rigid muscle activation patterns, not just rutted thinking ones. My shoulders, back, and neck got a chance to chill out on that spacer day, rather than returning to holding them stagnantly in the same position for hours straight. I did the same with exercise. Long walks today means we’re not jamming in gym shoes tomorrow. This also forced me to find OTHER things to do, rather than being one dimensional or rigid, which, again, I always find helpful for my mindset and self-esteem. Can’t hide in the RV or in the woods again today, gotta go find another way to be. It brings about new experiences, emotions, and outlooks. It’s a psyche and somatic saver, especially if you get easily bored but also have introversion or obsessive issues.
- Showering
Short and sweet, I started showering more to amp up self-care, make sure health and hygiene weren’t being neglected, and create a new time-out transition in my days. The feeling of warm water? Can’t be underestimated.
- Sweeping
Similarly spring cleaning and laundry extravaganzas followed the hubbub. It was a cleanliness RESET event after all the smoke and ash settled. On top of that, sweeping has become more regular daily behavior, rather than just trying to ignore the gross floor. It’s breathing-regulating, it’s immediately satisfying, and it’s a win for feeling like a well-oiled human when your feet aren’t collecting crumbs.
- Ssssssing
One of my major theories about trauma? It causes us to dis-associate from our cores. Then the postural and digestive and chronic pain issues follow, thanks to the emotional – turned physical - disengagement. One of the solutions when you realize your center is offline and difficult to activate? SSSSS. The forcing of air out your front teeth. Try it, see what it does to your lower abdominals. Boom, activation. Throughout my days, witness me snaking around, re-remembering to link breathing with core engagement, using proper form for lifting and stretching, and trying to stand up a little straighter. Behaviors which all connect to emotional and embodiment practices, as well as general presence.
- Scavenging
One of the OTHER most holistically positive things I do? Gathering. Scavenging for free foods in the woods and prairies. It corresponds nicely with wandering, it boosts nutrition for free – please see the massive bag of elderberry I still have in my freezer from last year -and there’s something about it that feels “correct” on the nervous system. There’s a dew berry patch not far from here, and it has been a nice respite from returning to daily grinding, to go out there and find a handful or two of sweet little gems with Marcus Barkus. As we move into the summer season, it’s a great time for finding your own berries. Just make sure they are what you think they are (anything raspberry-looking is generally safe), aren’t filled with environmental pollutants, you’re removing any thorns from your skin before it becomes infected or absessive, and please – speaking from experience - watch for poison ivy hidden around the bushes. Also remember that spring and autumn bring a ton of wild greens, which grow everywhere, for salads and soups. Can recommend the book “how to forage for wild foods without dying” if you want some help and colorful pictures.
- Long relationship views
Somewhere in the frenetic movement of the firetimes, it fully hit me how pointless it is to worry about micro-outcomes of every behavior or interaction in relationships. The manner in which I had been obsessively “nicing” my way through life… eh… now seemed like a hindrance that helped no one. If I’m always saying “I’m good, thanks for asking!” as quickly as possible when I am not good and their asking felt empty… not a useful relationship skill. And one that wasn’t very realistic in the hustle and bustle. This is when I remembered… it’s okay, people can be mad at me when I’m busy tending to devastating matters. Relationships, especially, are a long-game. Let them ebb and flow. Keep your focus on what you CAN impact. Return to the conditions of your insides, instead of extending your energy outwards like needy little tentacles, trying to feel for danger in social associates. When thinking about relationships, lean into the comfort of "I don't know what's going to happen, I’ll show up in a way that I feel good about, but it’s not my job or right to control outcomes.” If you’re having trouble doing that? Releasing attachment and codependency in the moment? Refer to the yoga collective. It can give you something HEALTHY to do for 5-60 minutes, to help redirect your brain away from social anxieties.
- Attend to vitals: pee, poop, breathing, eye clarity, nail condition
It’s not difficult to accidentally let your health slip when times are rocky. You don’t even notice its happening. And then the patterns perpetuate a cycle of neglectful living aftwards. I find it useful to pay attention to PHYSICALLY OBVIOUS indicators of how things are going. Of course, check the blood pressure and heart rate and do what needs to be done for the ole NS. That’s a low hanger. But these aren’t the indicators I speak of. My pee? Was brown. Clearly I wasn’t drinking enough water. Standing at my sink with my water filter pitcher became a daily activity. My poops? Got weird and irregular. I wasn’t eating in the chaos and when I was, it was whatever I could find. Post-trauma I concentrated on getting normal stools again to direct my eating. My breathing? Was difficult. Glue up the nose. Knowing my immune system often fails here first, I went into a religious nettie pot routine, before the infection could strike. Similarly, I was watching my eye clarity. Sometimes they were grayed out or yellowish in the corners or producing goobs. For a few days they were sensitive to the touch. An early indicator, I believe, of a looming infection. A prompt for more self care, hydration, sinus clearing, warm compress, covid-levels of hand washing. And lastly, nail condition. It’s not hard for me to be protein deficient. Easiest way to tell? Watching nails for those weird ridges they get when you’re not amino-acid rich. Poorly proteined? Poorly functioning immune system, muscular system, and degraded general life vitality. I had to change my cooking for my chemistry, especially under stress. Watch your vitals!
- Eat slow foods
You know what my kryptonite is? Any snack or item that could be used as a snack. Anything that I can stick my hand into and shove into my mouth… is a surefire way to load myself up with the wrong macros. And, also, those tend to be the foods that are the fullest of bullshit. The most likely to cause an illness in 3-7 days. I know it’s counter to hustle culture and everything we’ve been told is “correct,” but what I actually need to do for my body and brain to function right is to have to prepare food. To have to think about nutrition, to set aside the time for making it, and to execute the task in my day. From there, tapping into the benefit of always having extra on hand for quick meals.
Eat cheap
In doing so, I’ve been eating much cheaper, which helps with the post-event financial strain without compromising health. If you’re sticking your hand in a box of cereal and calling it “food that doesn’t count because I’m not sitting down” (me), it gets expensive. All those mostly-empty calories you’re not considering “part of mealtime” add up. Anything bagged or boxed or pre-cooked for you is a branded expense with a ton of nonfood ingredients and a big markup, especially compared to health return on investment. So, I decided to cut my abuse-environment food-coping bullshit and simplify. After the fire I switched to eating a lot of dried beans and rice, contained within curries that I make in the instant pot roughly twice a week. Supplemented with frozen chicken thighs, frozen broccoli, and some fresh fruits… and my grocery bill has plummeted, my skin has looked amazing, while my blood sugar has stayed nice and level. All of these points are huge for lowering post-traumatic stress and inflammation. Along with this next one:
Rest when snacky
When I need sleep or rest, what I’m programmed to do, instead is….. eat. Fast eating is a high achiever or poor person’s way to try to pump energy into the system to keep functioning instead of being ALLOWED to slow down and lay down. It’s all societal and survival conditioning, for me. So now, whenever I find myself wanting to pig out, I take the message away from it “you’re tired, Jess. This is a secondary need presentation. What you really require is sleep.” Like a toddler, I must be told. If you know logically you’re not really hungry or thirsty… and find yourself doing those things anyways… you might need to lay down, in peace, and allow yourself the gift of REAL rest.
30. Serve. And reframe mindsets towards purpose.
Well, we can say that immediately during and after the fire I was focusing on how to serve others, like the research on peritraumatic reactions suggested. However, I also have to warn against doing so as an escapism tactic with the potential to become overwhelming. After pouring most of my emotional world into the open vessels of interpersonal relationships and realizing it was creating dehydration, I rolled that back. “Don’t provide unending emotional care to others when you need some of that care for yourself.” Is what I have to say about that mistake. Ps more boundaries. Then, I started slowly ramping up my day to day and seeking what felt like “service” to stay associated with reality and useful. One of my favorite things to do? Picking up trash. It helps the world, it looks better for others, and it gives you something to do when wandering. It’s a mutual act of care. THEN the new volunteer tasks began to earn my keep in the campground. I’ve tried to frame those physical efforts, also, as being acts of care for the pretty place I now call home. AND the background work that allows me to keep doing THIS public facing work. If I wasn’t working off my rent, I couldn’t keep podcasting. Then the manual effort doesn’t feel like mundane toiling or an inconvenience, it feels like a purpose. And it’s become the central structure of my days. Need your own post-trauma structure? Find a way to feel useful, in a manner that speaks to things you care about. Helping nature, helping people, helping animals, are good places to start. And also, don’t forget to help yourself.
- LET days be easier
WITH those new efforts, I’ve started living differently. Gone are the afternoons of going to bed at 4pm and rising to shine in the middle of the night. I changed my schedule to match what I need to get done, with minimal additional stress, rather than maintaining the same rigid routine and resentfully forcing, smashing, more activity into the same container. The ongoing mantra? “Just let the day be easy.” Which is treating a symptom of CPTSD. If life always feels hard, you begin to think that it “should.” I’ve been working hard to drop that, to get out of my own way, and to follow calmer, gentler, sensations rather than aiming for a grinding feeling as an indicator of “correctness.” That would be the definition of stress disordering, wouldn’t it? And, point 31.5? I coregulate. You know who tells me if I’ve been successful or not? Marcus Barkus. Watching his mood through his behaviors lets me know if I’m a secret strainball, or if I’m finding a calm, relaxed, vibration. When I see him looking content, confident, tail lifted, in his zone, trotting along, I know that we’re in a good state. I’m being the parent we both need, not the parent we first received.
- Act on compassion, save the bugs
Okay, bear with on this one, I have a bit of a metaphorical story. But it amounts to “be compassionate, on-demand, by noticing the lesser beings around you and applying the golden rule, recognizing that you are all the same and anxiety is not a reason to be flippant with their lives.” I was tested to a whole new level shortly after the fire, in the midst of moving four times, my internet going out, relationships testing my last nerve, having no access to drinking water, and about thirteen other things that felt like the universe was seeing if I’d REALLY been working on my control vs. rage issues… when my bathroom became infested by baby spiders. The first instinct? Let’s vacuum these fuckers up, because I can’t deal with this inconvenience right now. Second instinct? Deep breath. Yes I can. I found myself transporting baby spiders, one by one or four by four, depending on how many I could scoop up with the wire handle of a straw cleaning brush, and relocating outside my door. FOR SIX DAYS. HUNDREDS OF THEM. Starting with the two that almost were washed INTO my sinuses from that aforementioned nettie pot. And you know, as much as I felt targeted by the world, in some sort of hellish practical joke, considering my spider phobia, I realized fairly early in the process that this was some sort of gift. An annoying, disgusting, gift. It took me outside of myself, reminded me of the struggles we all face, and the responsibility as well as power of being a person. We can thoughtlessly ruin so many lives, caught in our own bullshit, can’t we? It also made me slow waaaay down. Oh, did you want a shower? Well, get the bucket, because you have roughly three dozen baby spiders who must be moved first. Wanna wash your face? Same. And, symbolically, it was a final “thread breaking” with my family of origin. You know who would never have taken the time to do this spider saving? My fam. All of whom are pathologically afraid and do inhumane things to them on sight, which is where I learned my own fear from. Thus, this behavior was like one more degree of separation from them. And I thought about it, sincerely, with every little guy I moved. But really, I’m just saying… be compassionate, even to the lowest of the creatures, even to the ones that make you want to throw up a little. They didn’t choose this life any more than you chose yours. And there’s almost always a buggy buddy who could use a hand, which takes all of 3 seconds. Don’t create earthquakes for others or stand by, carelessly, while they get rocked. You could be contained in that same exoskeleton next time around, be the force you hope to encounter in that carnation, now. End of sermon.
- Monitor for symbolism
Hey, as long as we’re playing “what the fuck, Jess, mind your woo-ass”… can’t stop won’t stop. And here’s another thing I’ve been doing… I pay attention to uncanny events that happen around me and search for the very basic, elemental, symbolism in them, to get clues about what I really need to attend to. That fire? Oh, a metaphor for the spark of my self-advocacy, tearing across dead and decaying debris of abusive relationships and thought patterns that I’ve allowed to collect in the forest of my mind. It was a prompt to find my inner light, set boundaries, and move on. Days when I’m wildly spilling water with everything I do? Oh, my emotions are backing up to the point that they’re spilling over into my actions and making a goddamn mess. I need to slow down, figure out what’s happening inside this emotional (water) vessel, and then reapproach actionable matters. Hm, I’m stuck in a perpetual thought loop OR void of thought? Feeling suffocated? I need big, fresh, immense, openness. Views of the sky for thinking (air). Hey, I’ve been tripping and bumping into things, even falling down on my ass or hurting the structures of my body? Huh, material reality (earth) is calling for greater consideration before I keep running at full speed. See what I mean? The elements stand for: Fire, inner drive. Water, emotion. Air, thought. Earth, physical structures. And there seem to be insightful patterns in that symbology at times. Do these things help anyone else? Idk. But they’re easy pointers to be on the lookout for, and new ways of thinking about how to help yourself navigate life.
- Create an on-call Parasocial “community”
We don’t always have the community we need. But we can fake-create one that will soothe the psyche instead of trying to fast-track relationships to be more significant than they are in reality. Or standing connected to people who don’t provide what you require. Sometimes, a standin community really helps as you’re trying to develop a new, real, one. Here’s what I do to stay sane while having very few people I can count on and still being a social animal who’s brain will collapse in utter isolation…. Find a podcast I like. Then explore the other shows on the network. In doing so, not only will you hear crossover of hosts, which starts to make you feel like it’s a big friend group you’re a part of… but you’ll also hear a lot of the same outside guests on multiple shows. Then, you search for other podcasts that those guests have been on. In this way, I started expanding what I listen to while maintaining a sense of familiarity and comfort and joy. Specifically, tapping into comedians and using sense of humor to reframe life. All comedians are deeply traumatized. Their way of using it is inspiring to me. Keeping in mind: No, I don’t know these people… this is purely a one-sided relationship… and I appreciate every second of what that offers to me, anyways. Places to start? My old stronghold is the last podcast network, but I probably wouldn’t make that suggestion NOW without a decade of prior listening. They used to be very offensive. Now they’re less-so but still have some toxic hustle culture taints to their podcasts. More recently, the exactly right network has been my new go-to for light-hearted humor and background noise. And Bridger Winegar, Chris Fleming, Robby Hoffman, Roz Hernandez, and Sam Richardson are some of my favorite regular pod guests to seek on other shows for a predictably good time.
- Draw a line between then and now. Use trauma as catalyst for POSITIVE CHANGE
Let me be no bullshit with you. I’ve gotten lucky that (so far) things have been on an upwards trajectory after the big events. If I had lost my home, would I be faring as well as I am now? HELL NO. And that needs to be acknowledged. There are traumas that – as we’ve discussed – amount to a negative turn in the rollercoaster of life which doesn’t level out quickly. In those cases, NO, we can’t be expected to be grateful or use the event for good within a few weeks or months. Or even years. As we learned about debriefing – we can’t inform people when a trauma is over, when it’s not fucking over. We can’t force ourselves or others to see bright sides. We can only support ourselves as we “get through it.”
There are also times when a trauma – for me – has been the horrible thing I’ve needed to finally initiate change. Which makes it feel strangely positive. And I’ve been concentrating on that fact in this ordeal, as I’ve worked on sewing the events into my mental autobiography.
The thing is… This fire hasn’t felt (time will tell) like the start of a new round of trauma… it’s felt like the termination of several old bouts that I hadn’t cut ties with yet. I lost my park-home, a fair amount of money, and my chill as everything devolved to chaos for a while, but this event was clarifying and initiated necessary changes, especially in relationships.
Many of these discussed behaviors from today have been waiting in the wings. But I wasn’t… DOING them. I was DOING falsely-important things, maintaining a façade of “rightness” following the lingering taint of emotional abuse, instead. Because I’ve felt half dead for a few years, which doesn’t encourage you to DO YER BEST for yourself.
Then. In surviving… going through all the motions to stay breathing, when I could have just laid in the RV and waited for the sweet caress of the reaper… I realized that… hold up… I’m doing a lot here, it sure seems as though I DO want to live. And to live well.
Which, after these past years of fam abuse and suicidal ideation, WAS a revelation.
From that epiphany, I’ve been trying to take the bad event and use it as the line between then and now… making the big alterations that felt like they would crush me before, but they’re within reach after the “reset” provided by the physical trauma.
Thanks to everything going off the rails, breaking the spell of “normalcy,” reminding me that my dog, my purpose, and my life matter to me…Suddenly, I feel like I’m alive again and allowed to be myself again.
Which I’ve been (finally) accomplishing by setting boundaries, changing automatic responsive patterns, and breaking free from the webs of spiders in my life.
Which you can do compassionately. You don’t have to smash away at the old tethers or the things that make your stomach turn. But you might need to gently relocate those beings outside your intimate sphere, because they simply aren’t allowed to be in your face, in your space, or anywhere near your asshole.
BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES. To open up room for all the behaviors that ACTUALLY support you.
So life can begin, again, rather than death marching through a meaningless existence to keep others only slightly more comfortable.
And, Fuckers, that wraps it up. 35 points from 35 years of… sometimes… learning a lesson… about what a system really needs. Before, during, and after, the trauma factory that can be life.
Which might be as simple as laying down, eating well, engaging the core, tending to your environment, showering, and assisting other beings in their own life plight.
And also. If I could propose one semi insulting thing, overall, I would say use traumas as breaks in time that signify “before, when I didn’t know what really mattered to me, including myself” and “after, when I re-remembered myself and my life and what I value.” Because an event wouldn’t be traumatic if it didn’t affect something important to you.
And then make those self-aligning alterations with tiny behavioral changes that don’t have to cost you enormously. They can be microscopic, easy, natural, free or cheap… actions you wanted to take, but felt like you lacked the energetic investment in yourself or needed permission to enact them.
Surviving a t-event of big or small variety can be the self-esteem catalyst allowing you to grant yourself that permission. To open up those small pockets of self-investing energy. As everything comes into a properly scaled perspective. And you, finally, see yourself in a new light of compassion. Cast by the flames rapidly descending a mountain range…
Or whatever brand of t-word might relight your inner fire.
We can’t control our suffering or expedite grief. And also, when life throws you a curveball, as possible, try to swing beyond the fence.
Behaviorally, as you direct your actions from all the intellect and education you’ve garnished over the tr-years, and let the actions interplay with your inner world, to catalyze better ways of being, from your center, out.
Hail yourself.
And cheers friends.