Filial Obligation, Expectation, and "Human Correctness"
[ So, now that we know what the experience of caregiving often brings, where to start in this discussion of the ship (not a typo) that's fuckin your psychological world up?
A: Where so many of our cognitive challenges originate in life and in this set of circumstances.
Our (and others') EXPECTATIONS of sustained dutiful performance. ]
Let's talk Expectations
When our brains anticipate certain events, the difference between the ideal and the merely real can be very difficult to rectify for neurological, biological, and psychological reasons.
Neurologically
With Expectations in our heads, we have neural pathways primed, potentiated, and waiting for activation satiation. Think of them like hungry little fingers, reaching out into the future with anticipation. (It does not work like this, but the visual helps.) What those predictive little fingers reach for never comes. They're left unactivated, unused, and unamused. Empty. And overloaded by what they ARE receiving, instead.
Consequence: Our brains get very pissy when those anticipated fulfillments never come, and, instead, they have discrepant/disappointing information to rapidly process. That's a lot of extra mental and emotional work compared to the low-activation pathway that was already prepared!
When expectation mismatches reality, the actual circumstances in front of us are often overwhelming due to what they demand from us; our minds require acceptance, flexibility, critical thinking and re-planning in real time, on the fly,
Neurologically, it's frustrating and energy draining, at a minimum, to have unmet Expectations and unanticipated realities.
Biologically
Now take it up a notch and incorporate others' expectations vs. our biological drives.
When we're operating under the defined expectations of our social associates and those expectations supposedly define our worthiness/rightness as human beings it's no surprise that the mental strain is even larger.
Social harmony is an important aspect of feeling safe for our species; when that is threatened, we're thrown into danger-assessing and-averting programs. So our social- and self-driven expectations about social roles, performance, and acceptability make a big impact on us, due to biological determinations. If our effort isn't aligning with desired outcomes, we can be thrown into "survival brain." (Your lower order animal brain's risk identification and response center.)
Psychologically
Furthermore, we, ourselves, pften feel unsafe with our new, unExpected, identities.
We predict that we are a certain person who thinks, feels, and behaves in a certain way... and find out that this is not the actual outcome in our uncertain FilOb circumstances. This upsets the flow of normal mental operations and challenges our self-concept, creating additional internal opposition.
Who are we? And why can't we be who we thought we would be?
Go ahead and rachet this issue up to level 12 with unconscious expectations.
When we have no idea what we (and others) are subconsciously expecting of ourselves in so many ways, in so many situations., we can't even pinpoint the source of tension. Invisible arguments torment our brains as our higher thinking analyzes what's going wrong while our survival brain assesses doom.
Pull it all together, and we're operating inefficient, exhausted, confused mental machinery that is hypervigilantly obsessed with meeting the expectations of outsiders for a sense of safety and worth while it concurrently fears the reality of who it seems to be based on actual events... and on top of it all, a MF has no conscious idea what these expectations are, where they're coming from, why they're so distraught with themownselves, why any of this torment began in the first place, or how to rectify the ideal vs merely real discrepancies.
(deep breath, good job getting through that sentence)
And that's yer gd brain on Filial Expectation.
With all that being said, let's get to the point, huh?
Time to talk about the goodness-proving social- and self- expectations that are driving so many of our internal Filial upsets.
Filial Obligation and Filial Piety
[ If we're talking human expectations, identity disruptions, and the unknown bases for our own mental beatings, we must break the seal and discuss some of the more extreme narratives and idealisms that are driving our self-torture.
Let's start with two concepts we'll be encountering throughout this course. These are my definitions, feel free to wait for the formal definitions in our literature excerpts if they don't please you.
Filial Obligation
(see: Filial Duty, Filial Responsibility, Filial Caregiving)
The tasks we take on for our close relationship partners, generally of family origins, which are in some way "Expected," demanded, or unquestionable.
Filial Piety
(see: Filial Morality, Filial Ethics, Filial Honor)
A mindset/attitude/lifestyle organized around sustained demonstration of care, consideration, honor, and reverence of family as strong aspect of self-validation and morality.
You can see that the two interplay but are not the same.
Filial Obligation (FilOb) is the family responsibility we take as our own.
Filial Piety (FilPi) is how strongly we orient ourselves towards those tasks as a means of self-worth.
Now the question is: How do these concepts enmesh themselves with the self-imparted abuse inherent in Expectations?
Well, one might say that the implications of FilPi are off to a highly problematic start. Let's explore the mentality behind serving others as a means of self-valuation. ]
An Interjected Expectation of Filial Piety
[ I won't waste your time. We probably all know that in the East, especially, parent-child relationships are highly influenced by cultural expectation. Could I find a million research excerpts about it? Totally.
But the gist is:
Filial Obligation is less questionable in some places than others.
Filial Piety can be a non-negiotable Expectation from birth, which drives intensive FilOb behaviors throughout a lifetime.
Isn't this just an issue for another hemisphere, we ask?
We think of FilOb-FilPi lifestyles occurring in Confucian-based societies across the world. BUT, that doesn't mean there isn't some cultural crossover (when convenient) which could be pulling mental strings we're entirely unaware of.
These narratives - though "Collectivist" versus our "Western Individualism" - have undoubtedly informed / infiltrated even the McBowels of America and the West (again, when benefitting the carereceiving parties).
Who amongst us HASN'T felt that we must honor, obey, and consider our parents, especially with age?
The problem is these Expectations are often more implicit, hidden, "shameful," and therefore out of our conscious awareness in the West.
Because our capitalistic society is so built upon bootstrap pulling and the generations whoth raised us struggle with requesting help/demonstrating weakness, innate expectation of Filial Piety and Obligation can be dirty secrets. We may not even be aware of these hidden self- and other-expectations that are driving so much of our negative assessment and dysfunction.
Assuming that no one has demanded FilPi of you directly (questionable, depending on the family), you may be running fucky mental programs that you didn't consciously accept.
For sake of spotting hidden narratives about "right" and "wrong" approaches to being the child of a parent, here are the widely accepted beliefs about Filial Obligation and Piety coming from the East, The bases for our FilOb woes, whether we societally speak about them or not. ]
Filial Piety, Caregiving Appraisal, and Caregiving Burden
Daniel W. L. Lai
Research on Aging (2010). 32(2) 200–223
The term Filial Piety is used to refer to a fundamental idea in Confucian ethics for Chinese and a few other Asian cultures (Hwang 1999). Historically, Hsiao (meaning filial piety in Chinese) instructs Chinese people to be respectful to living parents and ascertains rules for culturally defined intergenerational relationships and placing family needs above individual interests (Hsueh 2001).
Filial piety is a cultural belief that adjusts adult children’s attitudes and behaviors toward their parents to ensure the continuance of parental well-being (Sheu 1997).
It is a family-centered cultural construction in which children are expected to sacrifice their own interests physically, financially, and socially for the benefit of their parents or family as a responsibility (Dai and Dimond 1998).
Filial piety is not only an ideology, but also a set of social practices that continues to be an influential factor in the reality of life for older adults and their families in Eastern countries and cultures (Ogawa 2002). Actions of filial piety include showing respect, fulfilling responsibility, harmonizing the family, making payments, showing affection, and making sacrifices (Sung 1998).
Religiously, filial piety is an imperative spiritual belief in Asian societies and a Buddhist way of practicing repayment for a mother’s kindness (Madey 2000; Schneider and Laihua 2000). The adult child’s willingness to provide filial care to the parent is a critical factor associated with filial piety (Y. R. Lee and Sung 1997).
As well, researchers (Zhan and Montgomery 2003) found the critical factors that bring filial children to social recognition were sacrifice and a strong sense of dedication that surpasses the level of tolerance in ordinary people.
[ Summary:
In the East, Filial Duty is a standard from the day you come slipping and sliding onto this earth. The needs of the family exceed your own preferences, desires, needs, and priorities throughout your lifetime, without exception. Your existence is a testament to your rightfully-due family love and reverence. As parents age it is unquestionable that you will be their financial, physical, and emotional support. The sacrifice demanded is the cornerstone of your decision making and daily behaviors. And throughout all this, the degree of dedication that is necessary to even be recognized for this continual sacrificial giving "surpasses the level of tolerance in ordinary people."
Essentially, you're born to serve. It is the "correct" way to be a "good" human. Anything else is a dishonor to the people who made you.
So, we can say that this "lives in the East," specifically in Confucianism-dominant regions.
But that wouldn't be a true statement.
Though the West claims toxic individualism as its course of lifestyle, the reality is that traditional Western viewpoints encapsulate many of these same ideals.
In the East, these are explicit social Expectations that come often with clearly defined consequences for disobedience.
In the West, these narratives are more often hidden in implicit beliefs and unhealthy methods of interpersonal relationship (manipulation, coercion, covert abuse).
Which is more psychologically impactful? Hard to say.
Considering the sneakret yet influential prevalency of these intercultural ideals across cultures, let's take a brief dive into Confucian rules and regulations around Filial Responsibilities. See if you spot anything that sounds similiar to your lifelong family experience. ]
A Lifetime of Dutiful Obligation: Tenants of Filial Piety
First, one must support one's parents. The Classic of Filial Piety states that "supporting one's parents is the filial piety (xiao) in common people" (chap. 6).
Second, one must honor, revere, and obey one's parents. Confucius said, "Filial piety nowadays means to be able to support one's parents. But we support even dogs and horses. If there is no feeling of reverence, wherein lies the difference?" (Analects 2:7). Mencius said, "[T]he greatest thing a filial son can do is to honor his parents" (Mencius 5A:4).
The third type of filial behavior is producing heirs. Mencius said, "There are three ways of being unfilial. The worst is to have no heir" (Mencius 4A:26).
The fourth is to bring honor and glory to one's ancestors. The Classic of Filial Piety states that "to establish oneself, to enhance the Way, and to leave a good reputation behind, in order to make one's parents illustrious, are the ultimate goal of filiality" (chap. 1).
Finally, after the deaths of one's parents, one must be able to mourn and offer a memorial service and sacrifice to them
[ So Confucianism doesn't ask much. Just set aside your life to take care of them in old age, and devote your existence to them at every stage in between!
Meaning, your psyche is continually circling back to the wants/needs/preferences of your family throughout every action you take. It is in continual consideration of the activities of other brains primarily and in a prioritized fashion, so that it's always thinking about the cognitions of people outside of yourself rather than honoring its own cognitions.
Under Filial Piety, your brain, in a very real way, is not your brain.
But neither is your lifestyle!
Try to find room for "you" in these tenants:
1. Share your material resources (whether you have them to spare or not).
2. Support them emotionally by living your life via their wishes (blind obedience > connection).
3. Give them grandchildren so their efforts in life aren't futile (you're here to spread seed).
4. Bring honor to your family (AKA live your life by their wishes, again).
5. Memorialize their lives after death with ongoing fond memories (of real or imagined origin).
No big deal. Except for "free will."
By the time you're born, your parents have decided what you owe them. Now live your life!
Except only in the ways that benefit them and make them proud - which could point to any number of oppressive outcomes.
Under a Filially Pious society, we're born. We're informed of who/what we'll be to make others feel secure within themselves. And then we wait for mom and dad to die to contend with our personal identity trauma, continually caring for them all along. Kicker being, we must still honor and memorialize them even during our posthumous healing sessions about their oppressive, obedience-driven, regimes.
It's an Easternized Experience, but I think many of us Westerners can relate to the lifepressures and lifestyles demanded of us and "who we're allowed to be" according to family.
And if you'd like spcific examples of how we can "willfully" serve our parents in order to be grateful and moral humans, look no further!
Here's a blogpoast for you to check out.
But take off your sunglasses, because it's going to get darkly humored in there. ]
[ So which one made you laugh inappropriately? The willful freezing to death, the willful misquito baiting, or the willful "just bury me here, I'll dig the hole myself," wish for an early death?
Okay. Let's be honest: Were these examples chosen because they're facetious depictions of what day to day demands and manipulations feel like with our families sometimes?
Yes.
And I've been laughing about these alagorically-true-to-life-tales for 2 years already.
The point being made is:
There is a lot of accepted and anticipated abuse that comes from some of these culturized parental servitude narratives. And, while these are allegorical stories used as mini moralistic tales... at the same time, they sound highly applicable - sometimes in literal ways - to fraught parent-child relationships of modern times.
Taking on life-sucking torture to provide comfort to one's parents day after day lands a little 'close to home,' especially as we discuss caregiving circumstances.
And remember: those demands never end until someone's great earthly adventure does. Which one of us will it be, the caregiver or carereceiver? Has yet to be determined. But we'll talk about that in a beat as things get even darker around here.
For now, let's lighten things up while we answer the BIG question that turns this conversation of obvious abuse and mental strain on its head.
Does adherence to strong Filial belief protect us from the perceived Caregiving Burden?
AKA - Are we tortured because we aren't grateful enough?
If we were just "better people," would our Filial strain dissipate?
Let's find out where our self-judgments meet the road, after a quick check for comprehension. ]
